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And so, for the past three hours, I’ve been jogging and thinking about my future. I have to do something with my life. The production company is sucking my soul. I can’t do anything about my grandmother’s health. Yesterday, during Sunday dinner, my fathers announced she has a heart condition and will probably need surgery.
The news almost shattered me, and Ainsley, my little sister, didn’t take it well either. I wonder if Jacob knows about it. Not that it matters, I’ll let him enjoy his honeymoon, and he can catch up once he’s back in town.
My parents are working on convincing Grandma to come to Seattle, where one of the best heart surgeons has his practice. They want a second opinion, and if she needs the surgery, she’ll be in the hands of the best.
We’re trying to stay positive, but it’s hard. We adore my grandparents. Dad’s the baby of the family, and since we’re the youngest of her grandchildren, she loves my siblings and me more than the others.
And she’s not afraid to admit it to the rest of the family. Since our parents hid their relationship for years, she and Grandpa were the ones taking us on vacations. How can I not love her? Them?
We can’t lose her. She’s what keeps the Colthurst clan together and who makes the Decker family whole. We need her to last a few more years—probably a hundred.
And then, there’s my love life. I don’t have one.
I could blame my parents for hiding us from the world for years, but at thirty-one, I’m old enough to be responsible for my future and feelings. I just haven’t found the person I can fall for. Well, that’s not true. Two people hold my interest—Tristan being the first, and then there’s Thea, the beautiful bartender who works at Silver Moon.
They’re attractive and interesting, and something beneath that calls to me. However, they’re great at rejecting my advances. I don’t want to look too much into it, but there are times I wonder if I’m a little obsessed with them because neither one of them wants me.
I’m so used to women and men just giving themselves freely that maybe what keeps me interested is the challenge.
Either way, I’m beginning to feel too fucking lonely.
Before, I used to call someone to scratch the itch and push away the emptiness, but I’m too old to continue with booty calls.
I want to fall in love.
I want someone who’ll kiss me without expectations, just because they can’t get enough of me.
I want someone who’ll make me surrender my heart and my soul.
I want to feel like every part of my existence belongs to them because I own their soul.
Jacob and Ainsley have already found their soul mates. They are married, and happy, and… I’m still fucking single and alone.
I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s always the same with us. I was the last of the three being born by about twenty minutes. They knew what they wanted to do in life by the time they were seventeen—I’m still undecided. Sure, I’m running my father’s production company, but I can do more thanjustthat. I also have a few side gigs that no one knows about at the moment, but that’s me.
It’s probably my neurodiverse brain, wanting to learn more and do more, and since I have the support of my family, I continue finding other careers and trying my best to succeed. Except, I can’t find love. People to fuck are available anytime, but that’s not sustainable.
The memory of Tristan invades me again as I drive back home. Last night he was willing to surrender to me. I had to peel him off my body while my own begged me to make an exception.
He was ready to take off with me. We could’ve done pretty amazing things together, except, he wouldn’t have been doing it consciously.
When I have him—if that ever happens—he has to be a willing body, not so drunk on whiskey he’d forget what we had together.
Sometimes I pity him.
When he’s close by, I sense his sadness, his struggles. Something is eating him inside. Whatever happened to Tristan destroyed a part of him.
Maybe it’s an ex, his family, or his own fear to be himself.
He’s alone.
That’s what he screamed last night. His wailing voice was a knife that sliced through me, but instead of heading back to aid him, I went to take a cold shower before I regretted my actions.
ChapterTen
Matthew
The driveto my apartment doesn’t take more than a half hour. I leave my Jeep in front of the penthouse for Joe to park and head inside the building. I’m tired enough to fall asleep. Maybe I’ll be able to squeeze in a three-hour nap before my flight. That should adjust my fucked-up mood.Or not, I think as the elevator doors open and my hot-as-sin roommate appears.
