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Finally, when we’re walking through the underground parking lot on the way back to my car with shopping bags and strawberry frappés, her smile dies and she says in a small voice, “Dad’s dying, isn’t he? Like, really dying this time.”
My throat locks up, and I don’t know what to say. She’s just blindsided me with the truth I was hoping to protect her from.
When she realizes I can’t deny what she’s said, her face crumples and she starts to cry. “It’s true. I didn’t want to believe it’s true.”
I quickly put our shopping bags in the trunk of my car and help her into the passenger seat. When I’m behind the wheel, I put our drinks in the holders and just hug her.
A moment later, she’s shaking her head and pushing me away. “I’m okay. I’m fine. I’m strong like you are.”
My heart crumbles a little more watching her struggle to compose herself. Is this what Dad felt all the times he tried to comfort me when I was crying? Uncle Kristian too? I always told them I was fine and swallowed down my tears, and I just realized how painful it is to watch someone do that.
“I’m not strong all the time. Often, I’m only pretending,” I tell her, squeezing her shoulder.
“How long does Dad have?”
“He has a few more months with us,” I tell Lana, and watch as she digs her nails into her palms. “It’s going to be scary and sad, but I’m here for you. I’m always here for you, and I know you’re here for me. That makes my heart a little lighter.”
“We really will be orphans this time,” she says.
We’ve already lost two mothers and now we’re losing our father as well. We sit on that thought together and there are no platitudes to say. Nothing to take that pain away.
“When Dad’s gone, who’s going to lead this family? You or Uncle Kristian?”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Well, that’s a good question. First it was supposed to be Kristian, and now it’s meant to be me. I wonder if Kristian would prefer it if he were at the head of the family or if he could truly be happy calling me…boss or whatever.” He can’t call mePakhanas that’s masculine. I can’t even think what the feminine form would be.
“I think he wants you to be in charge.”
I look at her in surprise. “What makes you say that?”
“The other day I asked him if I could learn the family business, and he replied only if you said yes.”
I smile at her. Despite the misery in this car over Dad, I can’t help it. “He did?”
“He didn’t even think twice about it. Haven’t you noticed how he’s always asking what you think and he actually listens to what you say?”
“How do you know that? Is your Russian that good already?”
“I know that phrase.Chto vy dumayete?What do you think?I don’t know what you’re saying in reply because you talk too fast, but he’s always listening to you. It’s so different from how he and Dad would talk to each other in front of us. I couldn’t understand a word, but they would argue and argue. He likes you better, or he respects you more.”
A warm sensation ripples up my body. He does say that, doesn’t he? And he listens.
I glance at my sister, my tongue playing over my inner cheek. I’m keeping Kristian a secret like I’m ashamed, but I’m tired of boxing him up with so many negative emotions. The way I feel about him is not normal, but we’re not a normal family.
Maybe it’s time someone knew about us. It would make Kristian happy to know I’ve confided in Lana, and I’d have someone who shares my secret.
“Lana,” I say slowly. “Since Kristian came back, he and I have been spending a lot of time together.”
“No kidding.”
“My feelings for him are complicated and so are his feelings for me.” I hesitate, wondering how best to word my confession.
Lana stares at me with huge eyes, takes a deep breath, and seizes my arm.
“Ohmygodisheyourboyfriendhashekissedyoutellmeeverything.”
“What?”
“I knew it,” she shrieks. “Well, I didn’tknowit, but I saw the two of you talking in the kitchen on my birthday last month.” She stares at my stomach and then back up at me. “Are you having a baby? You were holding Celeste and Uncle Kristian looked so yearning, and then later I saw you touch your stomach.”
