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As the hours passed, she welcomed the dimming of the lights and the television being shut off. Instead of rushing tojoin Harris in bed and possibly ratcheting up the fury and frustration flowing through her with another round of arguments that would leave her unsettled, she peeked into Nathan’s bedroom. He lay with his arms thrown wide and his head half off his pillow.
Their black cat, Fuzz, sat on the windowsill, surveying the yard. Only his tail flickered when she entered the room. Buzz, the tabby, was nowhere to be seen, which probably meant he was asleep under Nathan’s bed, as usual.
She sat down on the edge of the mattress and brushed Nathan’s wild hair off his forehead. The night-light in the corner cast ragged shadows on the walls. The star decals on the ceiling gave off a slight yellow glow. She could see his face in the dim light. Reveled in how a day of adult snapping and silent treatment hadn’t stolen his ability to relax and dream.
After a few minutes, one eye opened. “Mommy?”
Only half awake he drifted from theMomhe had started calling her because he said he was big now, to theMommyshe preferred. He had to grow up, sure, but she didn’t have to love every part of the process.
She rubbed her hand over his leg through the blanket. “Go to sleep, baby.”
Instead, he flipped to his back. His eye drifted shut but he spoke anyway. “Why don’t you like Rachel?”
The words slammed into Elisa.
“Why do you think that?” she asked in a louder voice than she planned.
“Uncle Josh said you don’t like her because you’re jealous.” The words came out slurred and sleepy.
Of course. Josh. The jackass.
She thought about dropping the topic and letting Nathan sleep, but... “When did he say this?”
“I like Rachel.”
Not really the answer she wanted, but interrogating a half-awake kid wasn’t okay with her. Him drifting off and being unlikely to remember the talk didn’t make engaging in rapid-fire questions any better.
She sighed. “So do I.”
“Uncle Josh and Rachel are going to take me camping...” His words drifted off at the end, but then he added one more thing before returning to his heavy breathing. “He promised. Just the three of us.”
Over her dead body.
Chapter Eleven
Crazy. Insane. Deranged.
The words mattered. Pick one too weak and no one listened. That lack of a spark threatened the plan. Pick one too strong and everyone got defensive. Ran around, trying to prove a negative. That shifted the focus off where it needed to be.
The goal was to slide into a sweet spot in the middle. The place that wasn’ttooanything. A careful drop. Suggest a subtle unraveling—something uncontrolled but stoppable with the right intervention. Therapists. Rest. Medication. Put the spotlight there and keep it there with worried trolling.
After that, denials and justifications—promises of being fine—will sound hollow. Defuse arguments by attacking, all under the guise of being helpful. Sow doubt and everything will fall into place.
This could result in serious collateral damage, but so what? This wasn’t the time to baby a conscience.
Play the scene right and escape notice... and blame. Then? Problem neutralized.
Chapter Twelve
Elisa knew avoiding the issue would only make it fester. She had questions and Josh needed to provide some answers, preferably without the dramatics. Sure, he was pissed. Harris was pissed. No one seemed to care that she was pissed, but she was. So, time for a private chat. A difficult but necessary one.
The morning after the most awkward brunch in family history, she took the R5 and headed for Josh’s office, hoping to catch him off guard. He worked in the iconic PECO Building in Center City. It was known both for the colors and messages that lit up the top, and the monthly tours of its environmentally progressive “green” roof.
She hadn’t been in the city in so long. For almost a year she’d confined her life to a tight square of miles. She traveled from home to Nathan’s school, sometimes to Harris’s work, and back home again. Except for a few detours, those mostly for food and doctor visits, she leashed herself to the house. A safe area she could control.
She’d hyperventilated before leaving today. She’d had toforce her body to calm down once she heard how loudly she was breathing on the train. Now, she concentrated on staying focused on Josh. Just Josh. Not on the street or how close she was to the hospital where she used to work, or the people buzzing by on the sidewalk. Nothing but inhaling and exhaling, mentally batting back the white noise that threatened to drown her.
She could not panic.
