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He made a small strangled sound. “It’s my fault, not Harris’s.”
She knew that wasn’t an admission because Josh didn’t take responsibility for anything. Still, with her brain muddled and her trust at an all-time low, she decided to clarify. “What is?”
“Hiding it from you. Never talking about it.”
“Why don’t you?” Harris’s answer didn’t satisfy her. She doubted Josh’s would either.
He shook his head and generally treated her to thewoe is medramatic victim act. “I was a different guy back then.”
Not as far as she could tell, but she stayed quiet.
After a few seconds, he blew out a long breath and continued, “I was getting my life back together, but still doing stupid shit. Still blaming Harris for not fixing the impossible.”
“He was in vet school.”
“And excelling.” Josh leaned back into the chair cushion. “He’s smart and had friends and had managed to keep moving forward despite everything. I was jealous and hurting. Did stupid things. Had a temper I couldn’t control. Came out fighting and yelling when I felt cornered.”
That last part was still a problem for him. “But then you met Lauren.”
He lowered his head again and smiled. “She was so driven and sweet. She lived with her mom, who had worked her butt off to give Lauren stability. Lauren was loyal and hardworking, always trying to use the lessons her mom taught her.”
Elisa noticed there was no mention of love. No outward show of being upset at losing her. “I know what it’s like to be raised by a single mom.”
“Exactly.” Josh leaned forward. “You’re an only child and so was Lauren. There are a lot of commonalities. I think you would have loved her.”
“I never got the chance, did I?”
Some of his enthusiasm faded. “Marrying young was really hard. We struggled and fought, but I had turned things around. I was in school and we had student housing as part of this work program she was on.”
Ten minutes into this one-sided conversation and Elisa understood what he’d gotten out of this short, top-secret marriage. She wasn’t so clear on what poor Lauren won, other than an immature husband with an inability to control his emotions.
Elisa did a not-so-subtle glance at her watch. She refused to leave Nathan stranded a second time. “Josh...”
“Right. Right. Right.” He got up and moved to stand behind the chair. “We’d gone camping for the weekend. It was really late, or early, I guess. Well before sunrise.” He gripped the back of the chair, crushing the cushion in his fists. “A noise woke me up. Actually, it kept happening. I’d hear leavesrustling or what I thought sounded like a tree branch break. I’d gotten up three times to check and realized the whole tent-in-the-wilderness thing wasn’t for me.”
She decided to push this along. “But this time the noise was different.”
He nodded. “I ignored it at first, but then I realized Lauren wasn’t in the tent and went to look for her. I was sure she was going to the bathroom. No big deal.”
He didn’t say anything for a few minutes. She didn’t do anything to fill the silence or make this easier for him. Not this time.
“It was so dark. The trees blocked any light from the night sky coming through. The grass and mud sloped down to the edge of the lake, where just enough moonlight reflected there.” The life seemed to drain out of him and he slumped, balancing heavily on the chair. “That’s where she was. Facedown in the water.”
He stood straight again and started walking around in a haphazard zigzag. To the fireplace then behind the chair again. Over toward the kitchen then back to face her.
All the jerky shifts made her dizzy.
“The police think she tripped and fell or smacked her head on a branch and then fell into the water. That she likely was unconscious when she went in,” he said.
“Was there water in her lungs?” That’s something Elisa had looked up. It was a way to tell if Lauren had been dead before she went into the water.
“What?” He frowned. “I don’t remember anything but screaming for Harris and the two of us dragging Lauren out of the water and...”
He stopped there. She could see the tears and hear the hitch in his breathing. “And?”
“Nothing. I don’t know.” He dropped back into the chair. “It was so painful. After all the police questions and the investigation I didn’t want to talk about it with Harris or this therapist he sent me to. No one.”
“But you didn’t just stop talking about her. It’s as if you erased her from your memory.”
