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“You are?” That was inconceivable to her. He’d never been anything but rock solid.
“The idea that you were in the middle of a shooting, that I wasn’t there and what could have happened to you, stopsmy breathing sometimes. It makes me feel sick and guilty and furious.” The pleading in his eyes matched the pleading in his voice. “I worry that when you feel those same feelings you think you need to hide them because they make you weak rather than normal.”
Normal, random words he used jumped out at her and stayed there, lingering between them. On the surface he was talking about loving her and feeling like he didn’t protect her. The layer underneath reeked of judgment and put her on the defensive. “I’ve had therapy.”
“You stopped it early.” His gaze searched her face. “I’d like you to restart. Just until you get through this rough patch.”
Or until another one of the women in Josh’s life died or disappeared, but fine. If that’s what he needed—fine. “I’ll think about going back. I’m saying maybe because nothing about it made me feel better last time.”
He shrugged. “We can find a different doctor.”
“I’m still a maybe.”
“My amazing survivor.” He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. Lips skimmed over her hair as he whispered, “I love you.”
She kept a death grip on that bottle, not moving her arm even though her position made the hug awkward. After a few minutes she stepped back, putting a bit of air between them. “Let me finish down here, and I’ll meet you upstairs.”
He smiled and for the first time in days it looked genuine. “I won’t say no to that.”
He took off, going upstairs and acting like they’d settled the issues between them, but they hadn’t. She watched himgo, wondering what he’d say if she asked him to choose between her and Josh. What would he do if he had to pick who he believed? She didn’t ask because she knew the answer. Hearing him sayJoshout loud would kill her.
She slipped the bottle out of her pocket and studied it. Her name and her prescription. The pills were all there and the cap lock worked.
The battle had entered into a new and dangerous phase. This time she got lucky.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Elisa woke up sick the next day. Every time she tried to get up a wave of nausea would knock her back down. Her head ached, as if someone had pounded on her skull, leaving it battered and bruised. Every part of her, from her muscles to her teeth, hurt.
Harris drove Nathan to school and she stayed in bed. It took her until noon to crawl downstairs to make some tea and find some crackers to nibble on. The journey back up the steps struck her as somewhere between daunting and impossible, so she opted for an afternoon of sleeping on the couch.
She laid there, cuddled in a blanket and exhausted just from walking from one room to another. Her head hit the pillow and she drifted off.
She woke up to the smell of chicken.
Groggy and off, she tried to move her head, but that didn’t work. Lifting, shifting—both set off a riot of tumbling in her stomach.
But the chicken... “Harris?”
“Not quite.” Rachel came into view as she spoke. She stood over the couch wearing dress pants and a silk blouse with a mug in her hand. “Don’t move.”
“What are you doing here?” Understanding now how little she really knew about Rachel made Elisa skip over logical questions likeHow did you get in?andDid you bother to knock?and head right to being tense and on edge.
“Medical recon.”
Elisa heard the amusement in Rachel’s voice, but she still didn’t understand the answer. “What?”
“Harris wanted to come home early, but he had an emergency.”
Elisa tried to imagine Rachel and Harris having informal conversations about her health, and couldn’t. Mostly, she didn’t want them near each other unless she knew Rachel wasn’t part of the problem. Harris hated the phone and they both had jobs, though she wasn’t convinced Rachel did, which led to a lot of questions about when and how they got together for this conversation.
“Wait... what time is it?” Elisa pushed up on her elbows and fell back against the pillows again. “The room keeps dancing.”
“See? You should listen to me. No sudden moves.” Rachel helped Elisa sit up a bit. Tucked the pillows behind her to keep her in a somewhat steady position.
“Nathan.” Elisa could not mess up the pickup for a third time. Two calls from the school in one week were enough.
“Harris arranged for him to go to a friend’s house afterschool and . . . okay, I swear Harris said the kid’s name was Titan.” Rachel snorted. “I misunderstood, right? That’s not his real name, is it?”
