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She knew she had hurt TJ before. She’d seen it in his face. But never before had she seen such utter disappointment emanate from his being. Disappointment inher. It was so thick, so palpable, she could slice it up and serve it for breakfast. Lunch and dinner, too, probably. There was that much of it.
But why?
She could expect him to feel jealous on some level, depending on how deep his feelings for her ran, but didn’t he know what couples did in private? Didn’t everyone do it?
When the silence stretched so taut it was about to snap and shatter on top of them, she could take it no longer. Her body trembled despite the heat pouring from the vents.
“TJ. Please. Say something.” Her voice was a timid croak, but he flinched like she’d slapped him. He remained silent and still, his hands braced on the wheel he made no attempt to turn. “Everyone expects it now.” It wasn’t 1850 anymore.
“I wouldn’t.” His voice was rough, as if his throat had rubbed raw with the effort to speak. Melody’s body lurched at the pain in his tone. She wanted to fold over, crumble like a piece of TJ’s favorite coffee cake.
She knew TJ had never been intimate with a woman. He hadn’t dated, never had a girlfriend, and TJ Halverson was not a one-night-stand kind of guy. But that he so staunchly declared he wouldn’t do it given the typical opportunity made her pause.
It could only mean one thing. TJ thought sex outside of marriage was wrong. Which meant he thought she had done wrong.
Her lungs sucked inward with the suffocating feeling of letting him down. Again. She hadn’t meant to. Hadn’t set out to hurt him. But it was all she ever did.
“Was Drew the only one?”
Acid burned a trail from her stomach up to her tongue at the strangled question. She hadn’t slept with every boyfriend she’d had. She wasn’t a prude, but she also didn’t have sex after only one date. She waited for some level of commitment. Still, the number of men she had been intimate with was higher than she cared to count. It had never given her shame before. But right now, the shame was about to drown her alive, no lake waters needed.
“No,” she forced out the whispered word. TJ’s head dropped another inch, and his hand rose to squeeze his forehead. As Melody recognized that she had hurt TJ on a new level, an intense rush of self-loathing slammed into her. Her hand reached for the knob, driven by desperation. She had to get away from him.
As if sensing the direness of her thoughts, TJ shifted into Drive and backed out of his parking spot, navigating through the streets in silence.
Her mom had never taught her about sex. Melody had learned from watching. Watching her mom with men. She knew almost all there was about the deed before her eighth birthday. There was nothing mysterious about it. Men craved it, women gave it, equal score. She found out later it could even be fun, but mostly it kept the man satisfied with the woman.
For a while. It had never been enough for Drew.Shehad never been enough for Drew. Now she would never be enough for TJ, either. Her hopes hadn’t been high, but tonight, she lost the last thread.
The thought of losing him—of him turning his back on her in utter disappointment at her moral failings—gripped her by the throat, and she started to gag.
“Melody.” His voice was achingly gentle as she doubled over, dry-heaving into her hands. He came to a stop in her driveway, and she had one leg out the passenger door before he cut the engine. Tears slid down her cheeks, faster and faster, as she clomped up her walkway to her door. TJ would leave now. He’d say “good riddance” and be gone. She’d be alone like she always had been.
A sob came up from somewhere deep within, mewling out with a pathetic moan.
“Melody, wait.”
Why was he still here? He grabbed her by the arm and tried to pull her to him, but she yanked back, too blinded by her tears to see his face.
“I’m sorry, TJ.” She choked out the words as she fumbled with her key. “I’m sorry.” The tears came faster, her chest convulsing with sorrow and shame and the most inexpressible pain. All she could think about was the many ways TJ had been there for her over the years and the many ways she’d hurt him. Over and over again.
That’s all she was good for. Causing hurt and disappointment.
Her shoulders shook, sobs seeping out in a low-pitched wail she’d never heard before. Was that sound coming from her mouth?
“Melody.” His voice was like a soft, warm blanket, wrapping around her, and she rejected it, shoving it back. She didn’t deserve him. She never had, and she never would.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“Stop, Mel. Please. Let’s go inside and talk about it.”
Terror took her heart hostage. There was nothing more to talk about. She wasn’t good enough for TJ Halverson. It was time to accept that this friendship was over.
Finally, her lock turned, and she wedged it open wide enough to fit through. TJ tried to squeeze behind her, but she pushed the door back the second she cleared the opening, using all her strength to slam it against him until she could latch and lock it. Then she turned the deadbolt she only locked at night.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Almost against her will, she continued to chant the words in a shaking, sobbing tone, leaning her back against the door. No amount of sorries could change who she was and what she’d done.
“It’s okay, Mel.” His voice came from the other side, muffled by the door. “Don’t shut me out. You’ve been shutting me out since the moment I met you. But right now, you need me.”
