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My lips turned downward. Big talks, huge milestones that were celebrated—they were just reminders that Nat was gone.
“I miss you, babe.” My fingers reached for the grass, pulling them out from the roots. A huge lump formed in the back of my throat, and I tried to swallow down the pain. “We have a new nanny …” I let my words trail off. “A highly recommended person from Patty.” My fingers pulled at more grass, uprooting it from the soil. “I don’t even know why I’m here. I mean, obviously to visit you.” A low laugh escaped my lips.
I could already picture her blue eyes blazing back at me as she said,Charles. Get to the point. Get it all out. It’ll make you feel better.
I sighed. I never beat around the bush. Not when it came to work, not when it came to my brothers, but I was always afraid to upset Nat. Whatever that was—afraid to tell her I’d gotten into a fender bender when Sarah was in the car, afraid to tell her I had to work late or cancel our vacation because of work.
Now, that same feeling bubbled to the surface.
I was always the most vulnerable with Nat—when she had been alive and now. With her, I was my truest, rawest form, and I missed that because everywhere else in my life, I had to be strong—for the company, for my family. But with Nat, she was always my strength, the strong one in our relationship. She always knew what I needed before I did. When I’d had a bad day at work and when I was down, she’d wrap her arms around me and kiss the hollow of my neck. She’d tell me how wonderful I was, make me my favorite dessert, give me a massage. She was my daily dose of sunshine in a stressful day.
I stared at her tombstone, knowing she heard me—because she always seemed to answer my requests, big or small.
Tell me about Becky.
I could almost hear the words in my head, as though it had been whispered. Part of me wondered if it was my subconscious conjuring up what Natalie would say.
Charles. Just spill it.
I laughed again, picturing her face, the tilt of her head, her raised eyebrows, as if to tell me,What already? Tell me.
I closed my eyes tightly, seeing only darkness behind my lids.Where is all this shame coming from?I hadn’t made a pass toward Becky.
Not yet, the voice said.
Through the darkness, Natalie’s face came into view, her smile blinding, a warm peace washing over me.
“I think I’m attracted to her,” I finally said, in a hushed tone.
I’d told Natalie about Vivian before, in passing, as though I were in a confessional and she were a priest.
This felt different. As though I was seeking advice.
“It’s more than attraction actually.” I rubbed at my brow, searching her headstone for something, anything. I didn’t know. A sign maybe.
“I think … I think I’m beginning to like her. She’s great with the kids, caring and sweet and thoughtful. Protective even though they aren’t hers.” I let out a long sigh, admitting it more fully. “I like her.”Shit. This is real.More real than I’d thought. Plus, I knew the feeling; it wasn’t as intense of a love that I’d had for Natalie, but it didn’t mean it couldn’t get there. “I don’t even know why I’m sitting here, telling you all this.”
I was lying. I knew full well why I was here, telling Natalie. I wanted her approval. Her blessing.
It’s okay.
The voice was stronger this time. As though I’d heard it right next to me.
My head popped up to see a woman, an older woman, maybe in her late fifties, early sixties. She was kneeling down next to a tombstone two away from Natalie’s. She was laughing, silent but notable.
“It’s okay,” she repeated, louder this time.
I blew out a breath. At least I wasn’t going crazy.
“I know it’s okay. That everything is going to be okay,” she said more firmly.
I blinked, moving from my knees to a crouched position, wondering if this was the direct sign that I had been looking for because as the woman stared at the tombstone, it was as though her words were being spoken directly to me.
“Everything is going to be okay,” she repeated. “I know you’ll send me an angel. You always do. You were my angel on earth, and now that you’re not here anymore, you’ll send me an angel, exactly what I need. And then I’ll know I’m taken care of.”
The woman touched the tombstone and stood, and before she turned to walk away, she caught sight of me staring back at her. She smiled as her grayish hair rustled against the wind. “Everything will be okay.”
I shifted on the ground, getting up to stand, and smiled back even though this eeriness rushed through me. Something about this woman … it was like she knew me. Knew my troubles.
