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I swiped each of her cheeks with my thumbs. “I know. I’m sorry …”
She placed her small, fragile hands on my cheeks, and her words stunned me. “I want you to be happy, Daddy.” Her eyes shone with tears, with heartbreak, and yet a maturity I’d never seen before. “I know you miss Mommy, and I know you’re sad about her and you have been, but I just want you to be happy, Daddy. I just want you to be happy.”
I tried to swallow past the giant lump in my throat, but I couldn’t.
This kid. My awesome, wonderfully made kid.
I didn’t deserve her.
Now, it was my turn as tears outlined my eyes. I pulled her in close, holding her with one arm and lifting the edge of my shirt to wipe my eyes with the other.
Thank you, baby girl.
But I couldn’t even get the words out. It took a good few minutes to pull myself together and place her back on her feet.
We walked in silence to the lounge chairs by the pool, and I sat down and pulled her into my lap.
I pushed her hair out of her face and smiled. “You know I love you, right?”
She nodded, her smile matching mine.
“And you know that everything I do, have ever done, is always with your best interest in mind. You know that, right, Sarah?”
“I do.” She reached for my hand and squeezed, turning over my fingers in hers.
“And above all … I want to make sure you guys are happy. Not only that you have the things you need and want, but that you’re happy too.” I blew out a long breath, wishing I were better prepared for this conversation. “When you say you want Daddy happy”—that same lump formed in the back of my throat—“you don’t know”—I swallowed—“how much that means to me because”—I lifted my eyes to hers—“I feel like I’ve been so busy, making sure you’re happy, that I forget about myself sometimes. By you saying that”—I cupped her cheek—“that means a lot to Daddy.”
She nodded, and it looked like she was going to cry again. “I know …” Her lip quivered as she stared at our hands. “I see you, Daddy. I see you when you’re not looking, and I know you’re sad. I keep thinking … maybe if I get better grades … maybe if I don’t fight as much with Mary, then maybe you’ll be happier. But now”—a small smile surfaced—“you’re different. Even when you’re sitting by yourself, you’re smiling, and now, I know why.”
“Oh, honey.” My thumb swiped at her tears. “You make me happy, just by being you.”
She nodded.
“But, yes … Becky makes me happy too.” I ducked into her line of sight because I needed her to believe me, to understand. “I love your mom. I think about her every single day …” It was the truth. Every time I looked at Mary, I saw her spitting image, or when Sarah said something witty, it would remind me of Nat. “No one can or ever will replace her.”
One warm hand patted my cheek. “I know. You don’t have to tell me or worry about me anymore because I’m a big girl.” She sat straighter in my lap as proof. “I know no one will ever replace Mommy, but I want you to know … I like Becky. She’s kind and fun, and she …” She looked like she was searching for the words when she said, “I dunno. She just fits.”
I blew out a breath of relief, of happiness, of gratitude for this child in front of me. “That she does, baby girl. That she does.”
Chapter 35
Becky
By the time Charles and Sarah entered the house, I was making dinner. Heat flushed my cheeks as I tried to make eye contact with Sarah and smile, but she hadn’t lifted her head, only skipped out of the room.
My eyes immediately met Charles’s as I took the cupcakes out of the oven.
“How is she?” My muscles tightened as I waited for his answer.
“Good.” He leaned against the counter and shook his head. “That girl … old soul, that one. She’s beyond her years.”
“She’s been through a lot.”
I knew from experience, as I’d also grown up fast, experienced a lot of hardships, heartache. The difference was, Sarah had a great support system around her. I’d had to fend for myself.
“Yeah, that’s true. First, losing Nat and then her grandparents.” His eyes traveled beyond me, somewhere over my shoulder.
“I’m glad she’s okay. What did she say about me and you and catching us …” My voice trailed off. “Charles …” I took a step toward him. While they’d been outside, in between making crafts with Mary, I’d decided that I would not cause drama in this house or any more heartache than they’d already gone through. When I’d moved in here, my job had been to make it easier for the Briskens, not fall for my boss. “Whatever is happening here … between us … I don’t want that to cause a disruption in this household. Maybe we need to take—”
