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I heaved a lengthy sigh. “It’s me. I just … with my life, I don’t think too far ahead. I’m just going through the motions and doing what I have to do now. And in a way, what’s wrong with that?”
He scooted forward and leaned in, our thighs touching. “I don’t want you to just go through the motions. I want you to live your life. The present and the future.”
I pondered his words. He was right. But I didn’t know how to do that. Even in the present, it was difficult to sever the motherly ties I had with Alec and Addison, the duty and responsibility I still felt until they officially left the nest.
You still have your own life though,said that little voice in my head.
I frowned at it. Now, I wanted to smack my subconscious.
“Start writing.”
“I don’t even know what to write,” I whined, feeling too much pressure.
He exhaled through his nose. “Okay, let’s write out what you do now. Then, we’ll figure out if what you do now is for you or other people. Let’s begin with the agency. What do you do for the agency? Because I have no idea.”
I chuckled at his cute, curious expression. “I’m VP of operations.” It sounded more impressive than it was.
He tilted his head, assessing me. “And what does that entail exactly?”
I thought about it. And realized that I’d been out of operations for a long while. A good six months, to be exact, ever since I’d started helping with the wedding.
“You’re taking too long here, Sydney. This should be an easy question. You go to work, you walk through the doors, you sit in your office, and then what do you do?”
I inhaled a breath as I stared out the window at the Chicago skyline, admiring the tall skyscrapers, the different colors in the buildings. From where I sat, I spotted Willis Tower with its antennas. “I go through email. I inform Serena of anything important that we need to attend to. I check the fax machine and make sure there aren’t any faxes that need her attention or signatures. I …” I paused, knowing how this sounded. I groaned out loud. “Yeah, so basically VP of operations also stands for Serena’s secretary.”
He didn’t bust a smile like I’d thought he would even though my tone had been light.
“Are you happy with that?”
“I’m not unhappy.” And it was true, but … I was starting to see his point.
He shook his head. “I hate when you say that. I knowhateis a strong word, but I do hate when you say that. Because that means you’re settling.” The crease between his eyebrows deepened.
“But I don’t mind,” I said more assertively. “I like feeling useful. So, if Serena were to assign certain accounts to me, I’d more than jump on the opportunity.” I shook my head. “But it’s hard right now. She’s the CEO, thehook, line, and sinkergirl. I used to be the lead on some accounts, but now, every account matters. That’s why she’s on it—she knows how to get deals done.”
“And you don’t?”
Ugh. I was getting frustrated. My brain was hurting. “I never said that I didn’t, but she’s so used to taking charge, especially since the agency was struggling.”
“And you just sit back and let her do it even though you want more responsibility? Have you ever told her that?”
“No.”
And that little voice in my head said,Because you just do what you’re told to get done.
I realized with stark clarity that was it. I’d never taken initiative and pushed myself.
“Okay, write it down.” He nudged me. “Ask Serena for more responsibility.”
“Okay,” I snapped, scribbling it down.
Five minutes later, I was still chewing on the pen cap with nothing other than one thing listed on my sheet of paper. I gritted my teeth. It was as if I had no motivation, no purpose, no focus.
“Okay”—a small smile surfaced on his face—“if we can’t think of what you want to do or anything for your bucket list, let’s think about things you might have missed.”
“Missed?”
He nodded, his eyes taking me in. “Is there anything you missed out on in college? Anything you had to kind of push to the side to attend to Alec and Addison?”
