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She holds my eyes for a beat before lifting her chin in defiance and turning to walk away.
“Fuck.”
* * *
My finger hovers over the button for Toby’s floor in our building, aware that that’s exactly where she is right now.
The temptation to follow them, to demand I ride back here with them was massive, but I stuffed it all down and stayed exactly where I was until they had to have been in the lift and making their way out of the hospital.
I stumbled back, dropped my arse back in the chair and lowered my head into my hands.
That’s where the nurse found me sometime later when she returned to flip Brianna’s room ready for another patient.
With very few words, I grabbed my very few belongings and headed out.
Unlike Brianna, no one was here to pick me up. Everyone was at school, or looking after her. It’s where they should be, but I’m not sure I’ve ever felt their absence quite so strongly.
Where’s your mum, Nico?a little voice asks.
If Dad were here, I wouldn’t be alone right now.
Although… none of this would have happened if he were still here. Losing him was what started this domino effect of disasters in my life. He was the trigger. The huge black hole of loss that’s still growing inside me is the reason for all the hate, anger, reckless decisions, and brutal acts against Brianna.
It’s wrong, all of it.
But I need it. I need the thrill, the excitement, the risk. I need it to feel alive. That rush when I took her in the library, the buzz of adrenaline that someone could catch us. I fucking crave that.
The fear in her eyes when I threatened her future. As fucked up as it was—as it is—it made me feel alive and reminded me that while I might be drowning, I’m still here.
Although, ultimately, my obsession, my addiction to her almost killed both of us.
Despite her actions last night and this morning, that final look held a thousand words, and ‘stay the fuck away from me’ was right up there with some of the most important ones.
Am I going to be able to do it, though?
Can I walk away knowing that she’s living right beneath me, suffering because of me? Can I do the right thing and give her what she’s asking for?
Probably not, no.
Thoughts of her, of all the things I’ve put her through, is the final thing I need to convince me to lift my hand and press my finger to the button for the top floor of the building instead.
She doesn’t need you, Nico.
Doing the right thing for once, I leave her the fuck alone.
I push through my front door with a heavy heart. It feels like a lifetime since I was here, not only three days.
As I shuffle through the hall and emerge in my impressive penthouse, it doesn’t take me long to realise that it’s spotless. Jocelyn must have spent almost all weekend here.
That thought only makes the ache in my chest that much worse.
She might not have been sitting by my bedside, but she was here for me. Here in a way others haven’t been. She really is a fucking angel.
Abandoning my bag on the table, I head for the kitchen.
Tins line the counter, and I don’t need to pop the tops to know that I’ll find an array of my favourite homemade goodies.
Instead, I zero in on the note.
