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“I wish I was half as confident as you about that.”
He laughs softly. “Do you know what I’ve learned so far about fatherhood?”
“What?” I ask then drain the last of my drink.
“It’s all about trial and error. It’s all about trying, failing, and trying to do better the next time,” he explains. “You act like I have it all figured out and while I appreciate it, it’s pretty fucking far from the truth. I have no idea what I’m doing half the time.”
“Then how do you make it look so effortless?”
“I put on a good act, for one thing,” he confides. “And the other thing is that the love I feel for Phoenix is so overwhelming and overpowering that there’s nothing I won’t do to be a good father to her. I will do everything in my power to make my baby girl happy, and to raise her in a home filled with nothing but love.”
I sit back in my seat and take in what he’s saying. He makes it sound so simple. Nothing is ever that simple, though. Especially not something as complicated as raising a child. Is it?
“You can do whatever you put your mind to. But the first thing you have to accept is that you are not in control and you never will be,” he explains. “Raising a child is a fucked-up, chaotic mess ninety-nine percent of the time. Your emotions are going to be all over the map, and you aren’t going to know your ass from a hole in the ground most of the time. But if you let your love for your child guide you, you’ll figure it out and you’ll be okay.”
I look at Nick for a long moment, marveling at the man he’s become. I’ve always thought him to be a good man. One of the best I’ve ever known. And yet, today, he’s become something else. Something even greater.
“You’re quite the fountain of wisdom these days,” I remark, knowing I have to give him some shit – it’s our code.
He chuckles. “Yes, I am. Learn from me, peasant.”
We both share a laugh, and for the first time in days, my soul feels light. There’s something of a clarity forming in my mind. The cloud of emotion that’s been obscuring my vision lately is beginning to lift and I can see the first rays of sunlight peeking through.
“Do you love her?” Nick inquires, point blank.
I let out a long breath and run a hand through my hair. That’s the million-dollar question right there. I’ve done my best to avoid the question. To avoid my true feelings. I’ve done everything in my power to run away from them, thinking that if I keep moving, throwing up roadblocks and complicating the issue, I wouldn’t have to stop and really examine them for fear of what I might find.
And yet – sitting here, confronted with the question stripped down to its most fundamentally basic premise, I’m left with nothing but one inescapable and obvious conclusion.
“Yeah. I really do. I love her a lot, Nick. I love her more than anything,” I utter, shocked as the words tumble past my lips.
He leans forward on the table, holding my gaze intently, a small smile upon his lips. He lets his eyes linger on mine for a long moment as if trying to impress his point upon me telepathically.
“Then I guess there’s only one thing for you to do,” he declares.
“Yeah, I guess there is.”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Emily
I prowl around the condo, still rattled by Robert’s call from the night before, still frustrated by Lundgren’s inability to do anything meaningful to help me, and still angry at Aaron’s continued avoidance of the conversation we need to have. The elephant in the room is bigger than King Kong and he refuses to acknowledge it’s there, let alone address it.
I don’t think he realizes what a piece of garbage he’s making me feel like. Oh sure, I’m fine to screw, but when it comes to having something like an honest relationship with me, suddenly I’m persona non grata. I can count the number of times he’s been by the condo to see me since I’ve been here on one hand and still have fingers left over. It’s like he’s just dumped me here in the hope he can forget about me.
My anger boils over, and I let out an animalistic scream. The front door opens. The bodyguard stationed out in the hall – some monster named Stanley – sticks his head in.
“Everything okay in here, Ms. Hall?”
Shrieking, I snatch up a glass and hurl it at the doorway. It doesn’t come close. It just slams into the wall and shatters, spraying glittering shards in every direction. Stanley looks at the mess, then at me, an amused grin on his face.
“Okay well, if you need anything, you just let me know,” he says.
“Get out!”
I hear Stanley laughing as he closes the door behind him, sealing me inside, leaving me alone with myself and my thoughts. Again. As I’ve been for days upon days now. Aaron has even refused to let me go to work, arguing that he can’t take the risk of exposing me for even a second, lest Robert is hovering out there somewhere, ready to snatch me up like some goddamn bogeyman.
I sigh and shake my head. I know it’s not Stanley I’m mad at. It’s not him I should be venting my rage on. He’s just doing the job he was hired to do. At the same time, though, he’s a constant reminder of just how impotent I feel in all of this. He is a symbol of the helplessness I’ve felt deep down inside after what Robert did to me. What I allowed him to do to me.
