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“It is fair. Think about it from her perspective, Aaron. This is exactly what went down last time. If I recall correctly from what you told me, the reason the relationship didn’t work out in college is because Emily had a major, life-shattering event happen to her, and instead of being there for her and helping her through it, you left to go party in Europe. I’m sorry, but I don’t blame her for being afraid you might do it again.”
“That’s bullshit!” I growl, clenching my fists in rage. “I would never – ”
“I know. I know, man,” Nick interrupts, reaching his hands up defensively. “I’m just saying, she needs to know you’ll be there for her and for the baby.”
“I’m not going to be a deadbeat dad. It’s my child, so I’m going to provide for it.”
“Materially, sure. I know you well enough to know you’re at least going to do the right thing in that regard,” Nick assures me. “But being a father is a hell of a lot more than signing a check once a month.”
“And you think I don’t know that?”
Nick sips his iced tea and sets the glass back down gently. “Are you going to be a part of your child’s life?”
“I – I want to be,” I slowly admit. “I just don’t know how to be.”
“Being there is a start.”
“Yeah,” I say and take a sip of my drink.
There’s a lull in the conversation between us as Nick gives me the time to absorb everything he’s said. I’m turning it all over in my mind and am trying to put an order to the storm raging inside my head. My feelings for Emily are clashing with my need for structure. For reason. And the lack of anything resembling either is driving me up a fucking wall.
Shit. Maybe he has a point.
“I’m scared, Nick,” I confess. “I’m pretty fucking terrified, actually.”
“No shit,” he laughs. “Thanks for telling me something I saw a mile off.”
“I’m going to have a kid, man,” I groan. “I’m going to be a dad.”
Nick smiles. “You are. And you’ll be a good one.”
“Yeah, I’m not so sure about that. I mean, it’s not like I had the gold standard of fatherhood growing up.”
“Your dad wasn’t bad, Aaron. He just – he was a little different,” Nick says.
“Yeah, that’s one way to put it,” I sigh. “And what if I’m just like him? What if all I have to offer is more of the same?”
“You didn’t turn out so bad.”
“I didn’t turn out so great, either,” I tell him. “I mean, I’m a guy who can’t deal with my emotions.”
“Then you’re going to have to work your ass off to be better,” he states. “Do you think it was easy for me to learn to be a father? Hell, do you think it was easy for me to learn to be a halfway decent husband?”
“Please, Abbie worships the ground you walk on.”
“Hardly. But I know she loves me. And that’s kind of my point.”
I look up at him. “What do you mean?”
“When I got involved with Abbie, I was like you. I had no idea how to cope with my emotions. I wasn’t exactly wired to settle down with one woman and have a white picket fence.”
I grin because it’s true. Nick was definitely the ringleader of our little troupe. He had a different girl most every night, and he seemed to prefer it that way. I remember him saying that variety was the spice of life more than once.
When he married Abbie, it came as a shock to me and to the rest of our group. To his credit, though, he has changed. Abbie has changed him in ways I never thought possible – and all for the better, I’d say. From where I sit, Nick is a fantastic husband and an even better father. I admire that about him.
But that’s not to say that I can change the way I am. That’s not to say I’ll have the same sort of experience as Nick. It would be foolish to think that.
“If there’s one thing I know about you, Aaron, it’s that you will always strive to better yourself,” he goes on. “You’re always working hard to grow and evolve. To become better. I know if you want to be a good dad, you can be.”
