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I stop pacing and turn to her, a sudden and horrifying thought gripping me. “Or if now that we've broken that seal, if he's going to expect sex every time, I see him?” I nearly gasp. “I mean, what's next? Blow jobs in the office? Quickies in the supply closet?”
Olivia laughs and shakes her head. “That's my girl. Always jumping to the worst-case scenario first.”
“I'm a realist.”
Her smile is small, but genuine. “Sometimes. Most of the time, though, I'd call you a fatalist,” she admonishes me. “When you're uncertain about something, you tend to think of the worst thing that could possibly happen first.”
I plant my hands on my hips. “That is so not true.”
“I’m afraid it is, babe.”
I grunt at her and resume pacing in front of the windows that make up the back wall of my dining room, staring out at the city beyond. The dying sunlight glitters off the glass of the high rises and office buildings, the vibrant colors making the world seem like it's on fire.
“You know, the morning – after,” I begin without turning around to face her. “He acted kind of strange. Like he wanted to keep some distance between us.”
“Are you sure that vibe wasn't coming off you?”
As much as I'd love to say, definitively, that it was all coming from Aaron, as I think back on it, I suppose it could have been coming from me as well. I know I felt awkward as hell about waking up next to the man who is now my boss. Talk about something being wholly inappropriate.
But I'd be lying if I said there wasn't some small part of me that felt a tingle of warmth flowing through me when I watched him open his eyes that morning. I recall the feeling flowing through me as everything we'd done the night before played in my mind like a highlight reel. Despite all my effort to keep a straight face, a smile lights up my face as the memory takes its place alongside the memories we shared of the old days.
“You know I love you, Emily,” Olivia starts, snapping me back to the present. I know I'm not going to like what comes next. “But sometimes, when something gets you rattled, you kind of shut down a bit. You close yourself off.”
I remain where I'm standing, still surveying the city outside, and give her a small nod. She's not wrong about that. I know I do it. I don't really consider it a flaw, per se, but I know it can sometimes complicate an issue. I withdraw like that at times, simply because I need to give myself time to think. To consider the possibilities and ramifications of an action – or an inaction. I like to get a complete lay of the land and have all the information I can before I do anything. I just tend to believe I make better decisions when I operate that way.
Of course, that didn't help me last night. No, last night, I was purely reactive. I gave in to my wants and my desires. I let myself be controlled by my body and my urges, rather than by rational thought. And now look where that got me.
“I'm not saying he didn't help contribute to that distance,” Olivia continues. “I'm just saying, maybe you did too.”
“It's possible – I guess,” I begrudgingly admit.
That makes Olivia laugh. “Well at least you'll admit it's possible. I suppose that's a start.”
I turn and walk back over to the table and take a seat across from her. She reaches across and takes my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. My smile is weak, and my head is filled with confused images and thoughts. I really enjoyed being with Aaron – and that's problematic to me. But I keep seeing flashes of what we did in my mind. Intellectually, I want to be horrified, but everything else within me feels nothing but pleasure – and a craving for more.
She grabs my gaze and holds it, her expression growing a bit more serious. “Would getting involved with Aaron really be such a bad thing?”
“Getting involved with my boss?” I exclaim. “Yeah, I can think of about a thousand reasons off the top of my head why that's a bad idea.”
She waves me off. “Drop the labels for a minute. Boss, employee – whatever,” she continues. “You're both consenting adults. What you do off the clock is your business. But, that's beside the point –”
“I think it's a little more complicated than that, but we'll ignore that for now,” I reply and chuckle.
“From everything you've ever told me about Aaron Steel, he sounds like a good man.”
I nod. “I believe he is.”
“And you also told me that he cares about you.”
“He did back in college,” I admit. “I'm pretty sure of that.”
“From what you've told me since you started working for him, it doesn't sound to me like that's changed all that much. If at all.”
“I don't know about that,” I tell her. “I think you're just seeing things through the prism of you wanting me to find a man.”
She shakes her head and laughs. “No, what I want is for you to find happiness.”
“I can be happy without having somebody in my life.”
