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“You said you could see Vostok from the tallest trees,” I said tentatively. “How much did you see?”
Ash’s lips pulled back in a humorless grin. “All of it. I saw how the men of the village became crueler and harder than ever. I saw people slip out, trying to leave, only to be dragged back. I saw how your Beast tried to break free, and they would poison you to keep it contained.”
I couldn’t blame him at all for the sheer amount of rage he’d contained inside himself this whole time. “Was it ever good? Before my mother?”
Ash didn’t look away from me as he slowly shook his head. “It has never beengood. But with time it has grown worse. Vostok is a blight on the Wood.”
I just shook my head, even though I agreed with him. Ash raised an arm, and I carefully settled myself against him, allowing him to pull me close. The feeling of his chest rising and falling against my back was soothing.
Then I asked the question that still bothered me. “Ash… would you really have hurt me?”
He paused, thinking as his claws tapped against my side. “No. I mean that honestly. I had no intentions of truly harming you… although I would have pushed you aside to get to the man. I have seen him in the past, doing terrible things in the Wood…”
I suddenly realized I didn’t want to know those things. There was such a thing as too much knowledge. “Don’t tell me.”
“I won’t.” Ash sounded grimmer than I’d ever heard him. “I wish I could cleanse my memory of those sights. “But he deserves death as surely as anyone in Vostok does.”
I believed him utterly. The Augur was a horrible, selfish man, and if we ever ended up with war against the settlement, I would make it my mission to destroy him along with the Father.
“I’ve seen what they do to you.” His claws tightened. “You try to hide it from Torr and Draven… but I’ve seen it. They treated you as less than a chattel animal.”
My chest tightened with anxiety. “Please, don’t tell them yet. I… for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m finally being given a chance to become myself, and not something they want me to be. I think they would both treat me like glass if they knew, and I’m not ready for that yet.”
“You will have to tell them someday.”
“Someday,” I agreed. “But not when I’m just learning to spread my wings. I need freedom and the space to breathe in order to do that.”
“That is what made me understand how I was wrong,” he breathed. “When you tried to sacrifice your life for that sack of meaningless breath, I believed you were so broken under their hands that you would throw yourself into the fire for them. I failed to see that inner strength.”
“Stop calling yourself a failure,” I said sharply. “We’ve all done wrong, every last one of us. But we can still get up and try again. I just… didn’t want to see a life taken in front of me. I’ve seen enough pain for one lifetime.”
Ash let out a laugh that rumbled through my spine. “I will stop, although it will take some time before I truly believe it. Now that I understand how the Alpha had felt, how far he was willing to go, I feel that all the years before me have been wasted on bitterness.”
“But now you’re here in the present.” I put my hand over his, lacing my fingers through his claws. “I could claim the same, that my whole life has been wasted. I never wanted to do the things they forced me into. I never wanted to see other women hurt, or to drink poison, or to eat their sins, which I now believe is merely a lie to keep us afraid. But if I do that, then I’m giving in. And I don’t believe my life was a waste. I think it was a trial I had to endure, and now I have passed it and can just be myself, however I see fit.”
His claws tightened, squeezing my hand without breaking the flesh. “And that is why I am yours.”
I leaned against him, resting my head on his shoulder. After a while, his breathing deepened and became more even. He needed sleep to heal these wounds, so I wasn’t going to wake him up, but I couldn’t move from his side without doing that.
Instead I wriggled downwards, and in his sleep Ash tightened his arm and pulled me closer. I breathed in the cool, piney scent of his fur, wondering how my life had come to this.
Perhaps it had been destined for it all along. I was starting to feel like I was really, truly home.
Chapter Twenty-One
The next fewdays I did my best to bring Ash back to fighting form.
He was a Beast, which meant he healed far faster than humans. And even though he growled when I checked his wounds for signs of blood infection, he never snapped at me, dealing patiently with my ministrations.
Every moment that I didn’t spend with Ash was spent with Torr and Draven. They gifted me with more fur cloaks and beaded jewelry in bright colors, purring with delight when I wore them. I ended up sharing the wealth with Freya and Aldis.
Aldis in particular almost lost herself to hysterical giggles when she tried on a necklace of vibrant purple beads that looked like the mountain violets. “I’m wearingpurple,” she whispered to herself, suppressing another wild laugh as she stroked the beads.
It made me happy, and also made me wonder how we had retained our sanity for so long under the conditions of Vostok.
We should not ever have felt ashamed of wearing a color. It was such a simple thing, brought her so much joy… and Aldis still flinched when she reached up and touched the necklace.
I thought it would take a long while before the fear ever fully left us. Even though I had shed my white veils as quickly as I could, I still felt a churning in my gut when I pulled on a scarlet dress or decorated my hair.
