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Her eyes twinkle, the excitement showing through without a single word spoken.
“Give me some time.” I reach out and even though I shouldn’t, I place my hand on her shoulder. I keep doing things I shouldn’t, but hey, things haven’t completely blown up in my face yet, so what’s the harm in one more boundary pushed. “I’ll figure this out.”
For you, June, anything for you.
3
JUNE
Isit on a stool in the guys’ mansion, picking at a blueberry muffin. The clock on the oven reads 5:08 a.m. and my tired eyes confirm to the world that I’m not built to be up this fucking early. But, if I stand any chance of getting face time with any of my men, I must beat them before they leave the house.
I rarely see them all at once, let alone for more than five minutes. I see Dom and Magnus more than Co, but even then, it's not much. One of them is always hanging back and waiting to pass me off to Simon, the man who I spend most of my hours with these days.
At one point, we all ate dinner together every night. Not with Simon, but with me and the rest of the men. It was nice getting those guaranteed moments with them. But one skipped meal turned into another, turned into nothing at all. I'm grateful for Simon's company, annoying as it is, but it's not what I truly want. I want to be with the men who supposedly love me.
And with each passing day where they’re less and less present, I start to wonder if that was ever true at all.
I believe they care about me, but more in an obligatory way than anything else. I feel more of a burden, or a distraction, than the woman they claim they’d lay their life down for.
If I’m being honest, Simon’s the only one who’s actually proven that.
Even when Co had gone on his murderous rampage to avenge me, it was for his own satisfaction to fuel that rage, not because he thought it might bring me back.
I miss the old days, when it was pining and proving and groveling andwantingto be around me. I don’t think I’m asking for that much. And that’s why I think if they were to at least include me in their business dealings, I could co-exist in that world while they’re busy doing whatever it is they’re doing. They wouldn’t have to pick sides because I would willingly join them on theirs.
Footsteps sound from behind me, a presence from a man I’ve been missing far too long.
Co places his firm hands on my shoulders and presses his lips to my temple. “J, what’re you doing up this early? You’re freezing.” He takes a few strides to the sitting area and snatches a throw blanket from the couch, coming back and draping it over my back. “You okay?” He leans against the counter and stares at me. “What’s wrong?”
If my eyes weren’t so damn dry from being tired, I’m sure they would water. The emotions rolling through me threaten to overflow in whatever capacity they can.
“I just wanted to see you,” I tell him.
“Aw, J…” Co grazes his thumb over my cheek, then pauses at the scar on my chin. He pulls away but latches onto my hand. “I’ve been busy lately, I’m sorry.”
“Busy is an understatement, Co. You’re gone when I wake up, and you don’t get back in until I’m already in bed. I know you come in and kiss me sometimes when you get home, but I’m starting to wonder if you’re avoiding me on purpose.”
The beautiful, golden-haired boy shakes his head. "J…never." He sighs and squeezes my hand. "Things have been…less than ideal. But I promise it doesn't mean I love you any less."
His eyes dart to the watch on his wrist briefly. Something I’m not sure he wanted me to notice.
“See, right there. You’re already about to bolt out of the room to whatever it is you have to do. Where do you go this early? Where are you in the wee hours of the night? When do you sleep, Co? I’m seriously concerned.”
Despite his gorgeousness, his eyes are a bit sunken in. New wrinkles form in places that weren’t there six months ago. My sweet, innocent boy, is no longer. Instead, here stands the broken man who stole my heart all those years ago, a darkness to him that was never there before. One that was built from a decade of illicit activities and what felt like an eternity of lost love. No, not lost—stolen.
The tiny, delicate red thread connecting us was never really severed. It was stretched and twisted and pulled and even when I was certain it would snap, it remained steady. A slow and labored heartbeat that would forever remain ours. An impossible force that could never be breached. A torch that would never be snuffed out.
We had bonded over trauma when we were just kids—both of our mothers dead. Two children who spent more time in a cemetery talking to ghosts than other people their age.
I had been collecting wildflowers the day we met. Vibrant purple, some the color of sunshine, white, and crimson. I picked so many my fingertips were raw from accidentally going after too many with bristly edges. A sad reality that even pretty things can be laced with the ability to hurt you.
I saw the pretty boy with blond locks there before, but I had never spoken to him. I let him exist in solitude, to mourn over the woman buried in the grave he spent most of his time. The same thing everyone else did in cemeteries. It’s not a place to socialize, it’s a place to pay respect. Or whatever else people do there. I never really understood it, but I felt called to the solemnness and despair, like it was calling me home. Nobody judged me for my lack of smiles or the heaviness I exuded. It was there that I didn’t have to put on an act to exist in the real world. Nobody questions why you’re sad when you’re surrounded by the dead.
But that day, I couldn’t stop looking his way. And when I saw his shoulders quiver, and how he wiped at his cheeks, my body gravitated toward his. My feet took one step after another, until I was next to him, sitting cross-legged on the ground with a bunch of flowers in my hand. I set them in his lap and sat there with him, not speaking, just being there. I'm not sure whether he cared or not, but he didn't tell me to leave, and I found myself not wanting to go. I stood to walk away, to sit with my own ghost, and it was then that he finally spoke.
“Thanks.”
One single word and that thread wrapped its way around my heart.
