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I couldn’t… I didn’t know what to do with these feelings. It was too much. I wanted to run, gather her closer, push her away.
Next to me, Orestes didn’t move. He stared at her, a look on his face like he was watching the sun rise.
The sick feeling grew until the hands I had holding Leo curled into fists. I couldn’t leave her with him.
I couldn’t leave at all, now.
Leo
Icould still hear the voices echoing in my head.
I tried to regulate my breathing and quiet the loud gasps that seemed to fill up the entire night. Keeping my gaze straight ahead, I ignored the two men kneeling next to me.
Never. I never ever wanted anyone to see me the way I was right now. Down to my bones I was scared.
I was losing my mind. Full-on auditory and visual hallucinations.
At some point, I’d reached for Pollux, twisted my fingers in his jacket, and held on. Now, I released him, trying to distance myself.
He let me slide to the step, but tucked me against his body, muscles in his arm tense as he held me.
“I’m sorry,” Orestes whispered. Something deeper and more all-consuming than shame covered me, and I couldn’t meet his gaze.
“You didn’t do anything.” What I had seen was worse than every nightmare I’d ever had. Everything I’d felt while buried inside that—whatever that was—still churned inside me. So much pain and hatred…
I imagined it all oozing out of me, covering me like a film, forever. It took all my focus to bend my knees, push, and stand, but I did it. Pollux helped, arm under my elbows as I stood. Orestes stood, too.
I still couldn’t meet their eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I said. I wanted to melt into the steps, disappear forever. “I’m exhausted. Thank you for walking me home.”
Part of my brain poked at my consciousness, urging me to ask Orestes why he was here. Ask Pollux how he knew Orestes again. But I couldn’t. All I wanted to do was get inside, go to bed, and pull the covers over my head.
But not close my eyes. I’d see everything all over again if I did that. Just the thought of it slammed those images back to the forefront of my mind and I jerked. Pollux tightened his arm.
“I’m fine.” With two hands, I pushed against him until I stood an arms-length away. I lifted my gaze only to his hands, which stayed outstretched, ready to catch me.
Another set of hands, one holding a sword, the other reaching for me, intruded on this reality. I watched the color change—tan to white to gray, flesh to stone—and shut my eyes.
It didn’t help.
“I’m going upstairs.” The door was still open. Weaving like a drunk, I got up the stairs and onto the landing. One more set and I’d be at my front door. “Goodnight.”
Pollux put his arm around me. “I’ll walk you.” The words were a growl.
“I’ll come.” Orestes’ voice was quieter but just as deep. Just as determined.No.I was imagining things.
But I didn’t argue. Safety was thirteen steps away. Up I went, one foot in front of another. The men’s footfalls were soft, and I remembered the last time Pollux had walked me somewhere. He hadn’t made a noise then either.
Careful, like hunters, aware that any wrong move could frighten their prey.
My thoughts were stupid and jumbled. I fumbled for my purse and the keys inside.
“I’ll get them.” Pollux took my purse, but handed it off to Orestes. My humiliation was infinite, but worse was my fear. The only thing I’d evereverbeen able to rely on was my brain. I’d never felt so betrayed.
In those thirteen steps, I imagined the rest of my life. Medication that would make me slow, or worse, constant hallucinations. My personality would change. I’d lose my job. I couldn’t go home, my parents would lock me away. The only thing they liked about me was how far away I was.
I’d never, ever been so alone.
