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CHAPTER SEVEN
Maria’s words rang in my head for the rest of the night, and for the next few days. She looked so different now than she had the night I’d ruined her innocence. She looked so tired, she’d lost a lot of weight, and there was a heaviness in her eyes that made me want to go to protect her.
But the fire was still there. That bright fiery nature I’d seen last year when we’d spent too many hours in a hotel roomtogether, that strength I’d seen a glimpse of at the bar where I’d picked her up… it was still there, burning behind her eyes. It didn’t always show itself, but when she straightened and looked me in the eye, letting me see how her father’s statement had hurt her, I saw it.
She’d go to war for those boys. My boys.
I saw the way she took care of them with selfless sacrifice. She was so in tune with every movement they made, every sound that came out of their mouths, every subtle thing they did. Sometimes I didn’t understand how she could possibly be so good at knowing what they needed. She was such a good mother.
And our sons… our sons were flawless.
It was hard not to get attached to them. I knew in a few months, or maybe a year, she’d be ready to go back to school. She’d drive back up to New Jersey and get herself a job and an apartment, and I’d have to move her back into a new place, and leave her there all on her own.
Maybe I could convince her to stick around. Even if she didn’t want me, we could make this work, and I would have my sons around. The missing, nameless little girl I’d been searching for didn’t quite take up as much space in my mind. And although I still wanted to find her, and I felt a little guilty that she was no longer in the forefront of my mind, having the boys here was a balm to the ache.
One afternoon I came home and Maria was trying to rig up a harness with some swaddling cloths. It wasn’t going to work, and I worried they’d fall. “Just buy a harness, I’m sure they make them.”
“They do, I saw it in the store the other day. But it was almost fifty dollars! I’m sure I can figure out how to—”
“Buy the damn harness, Maria,” I said.
She drew back at my language.
“Sorry. I don’t mean… just… it’s fine. Don’t worry about the cost, just buy it.”
“I don’t want to overspend your money, that’s all.” She studied me warily.
“Buy what you need for the boys. It’s fine.”
She looked like she wanted to argue. I almost wanted her to. I needed a little more of that bright fierceness. But she’d had a long day and I didn’t want to antagonize her.
After a few weeks living in my apartment, Maria looked a little better. She gained some weight back, there was more color in her skin, and she seemed to have a little more energy. She hummed to herself while she cooked, and she talked to the boys and told them stories, as if they could understand the things she was saying.
“When your great uncle Mark was a kid, he lived on a farm. He loved to chase the chickens around, and always tried to catch them. He wasn’t afraid of them. His little sister, your great aunt Penny, she was scared of them.”
She chopped an onion and threw it in the pan, and then looked back over at the boys as she stirred the onion in the oil. “She was so scared, she never wanted to collect the eggs. I think it’s because they pecked at her ankles.”
“You know they can’t understand you,” I said.
“No, but they know my voice.” She smiled at me. “And they’re listening, not screaming. So if I have to talk myself silly to teach them to listen to my voice, that’s what I’ll do.”
“You’re such a good mom,” I said softly. These boys were so lucky to have her as their mamma.
She bit her lip and looked away. I saw her lips move but didn’t hear what she said.
“Didn’t catch that.”
“Nothing.”
I stood, holding Matthew against my chest, and walked towards the kitchen. He waved his arms around when he saw her and ended up smacking me in the face. Maria giggled, her eyes lighting up.
I keep forgetting she’s only nineteen. Or maybe she’s twenty now. She’s so damn young. Just a child herself.
And I was the asshole who got her pregnant her freshman year of college.
“What did you say,” I asked again.
She pursed her lips, then looked up at me with a dare in her eyes, like she was challenging me.Keep looking at me like that, Sugar.See where it gets you.
