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“I thought I wanted to do this alone. At first, I didn’t want to be around anybody, but then I found that the grief was so lonely, and it only made it feel worse.”
“I’m glad you came home, love. I didn’t like knowing you were up there struggling alone. We shouldn’t have to struggle by ourselves.”
“I know, you’re right.”
“How is Asher doing by the way? Your father told me that he was coming home too, and that he offered him a place to stay here. Is he back in town?”
“Yeah, he’s been back for a few days now. He’s staying over at the motel downtown for now.”
“I hope he doesn’t think he’s a burden because we would be more than happy to have him here. I know he doesn’t always like being at home.”
“Yeah, Asher said no thanks to staying here and that he didn’t want to get in the way while we’re going through a rough time. I feel bad that he’s cooped up in that crappy motel. I wish he felt more comfortable at home or staying here.”
I thought about what it would be like if he did stay at our house. Knowing he’s just a couple doors down, would I be able to keep myself out of his room? Would it feel awkward to be around each other all the time without Mason around?
“Well, maybe you can talk to him again. Let him know that he’s very welcome here instead of paying to stay in that motel.”
“Thanks Mom. Thank you for everything.”
“Oh sweetie, you’re welcome. Now come here and give me a hug.”
* * *
It’s a warm spring day and there’s not a cloud in the sky. Crowds of people stand around me and when I look down, I notice I’m wearing a cap and gown.
“Madison! We finally made it! We’re college grads now! No more fucking around!” Mason throws his arm around my shoulders and pulls me close against him. “We did it sis we really did it!”
“I knew I would, but I wasn’t so sure about you, bro.” I tease and tap him on his chest.
He pretends to get stabbed in the heart with a knife. “Wow, cut me deep Mads.”
Just then Asher walks up to us and he puts his arm around me from the other side. “Hey, get your arms off my girlfriend!” Asher says to Mason.
“Get your paws off my sister!” Mason replies.
We all laugh. I can’t take the beaming smile off my face. What a perfect day with my two perfect boys.
“Are you going to the graduation party tonight?” I ask Mason.
“Yes,” he replies. “I’ll be a little late though. I have a date.”
Asher makes a cat call noise. “Oh, my boy has a date?”
Mason grins. “I sure do.”
When I open my eyes, it takes me a minute to adjust. I blink a few times trying to clear the fog and that’s when two things hit me all over again.
One Mason’s still dead. And two it was all a dream.
I remember the dream as clear as day as if it actually happened. If I didn’t know any better, I would think it actually did happen.
Tears spring to my eyes. Our college graduation with Mason there.
Something that will never happen now. Instead, Asher and I will be there without him.
I roll over to my side and stare out the window. It looks like a beautiful day outside but no part of me wants to go out there and enjoy it.
Instead, I just want to lay in bed lost in my memories. How do I hit all of these milestones and celebrate them without him there by my side? He never gets to graduate now and it’s not fair. He should be here.
