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“I’ll bet you have,” Julia joked. “I can always go back to my apartment, let you and Papa get back to business?”
Birgitta shook her head and turned to head upstairs. “Don’t be silly,” she said, slightly disappointed that she never got that damn orgasm. “Just let me go and get changed.”
Birgitta loved her daughter more than words could ever describe, but she hadterribletiming.
Chapter five
Burning bush
AssoonasBirgitta’seyes opened the following morning, a stormy mood passed over her. There was a bitterness in her heart, a consuming rage boiling beneath the surface. It wasn’t to do with Julia, sleeping soundly in her old bedroom across the hallway. It wasn’t to do with Kent, either. Birgitta was mostly mad at herself. Not only had she allowed herself to be controlled by her desire for a young man, but she’d also let it soak into her life. She’d let it rip away the only slice of joy she had left—orgasms.
She swung her legs over the edge of the bed, feeling the balls of her feet touch against the floor. A long sigh was forced out of her lungs. Straight ahead her bedroom window let in the light of the morning. Peering out, she admired the rolling hills in the distance. The landscape was completely covered in trees. All shades of green shined into her eyes, covered in a light coating of frost that made every leaf sparkle.
Usually, looking at nature made Birgitta feel better. There was something about it that soothed her. Not today, though. Unable to orgasm was making her tense with frustration. She’d never experienced anything like this before. When she was upset, she’d play with herself until she came to calm down. What was she supposed to do now?
None of her clothes looked good on her, nor did theyfeelgood. Having underwear over her sex only turned her on more; it pressed and rubbed against her clitoris. Wearing baggy clothes made her feel ugly and fat, she worked hard for her body and wanted to enjoy it, show it off. All day, every day.
Birgitta settled for a bright red sweater and dark blue jeans. She didn’t feel comfortable in anything else, both physically and mentally. As she made her way downstairs, she wondered how one man and a couple of romance stories managed to knock her confidence so much. She’d always been proud of the way she looked as well as her personality. And yet, there she was, questioning every choice she’d ever made that led her to this point.
Downstairs was freezing cold, the whole floor filled with a deep winter chill. On her way to the kitchen, Birgitta turned up the thermostat another two degrees. Winter was rapidly approaching, sending the temperature plummeting and the heating bill soaring. She tinkered around with the coffee machine, trying to be as quiet as possible so she didn’t wake the rest of the house.
Really, though, it didn’t matter. Both her husband and daughter slept so deeply it was like they were comatose. Another thing Birgitta didn’t share with her family. Something else to be excluded from. Julia and Kent had always been impossibly close, sharing a special bond. Birgitta had never enjoyed that luxury.
She sat at the table, clicking her nails against the wood waiting for her coffee to brew. The house was silent and dark, the sun hadn’t peeked over the horizon yet. Birgitta could feel the silence eating away at her, gnawing incessantly.
Steam poured out of the coffee machine as the inky black liquid warmed in the pot. She watched the hot mist billowing into the air, brushing up against the cupboard doors, leaving wet trails behind. The smell of the roast filled the air until her mouth was watering. Waiting patiently was hard for her, especially considering her mounting frustration.
As she considered going for a run to let off some steam, the coffee pot light turned green, telling her it was done. She got up from the table and opened the cupboards in search of her favorite mug. It was one Julia had made in grade school. The outside was badly chipped and the childish paintings on it were abysmal. That didn’t matter to her, though. It was a precious memory of long-gone days.
“Mama,” Julia’s voice whispered from behind.
Brigitta looked over her shoulder to see her daughter wrapped up in a fuzzy robe. There were heavy bags under her young eyes and her hair looked like a bird’s nest. To Birgitta, Julia was the most beautiful woman in the world.
“Hey, sweetie,” Birgitta said. “Did I wake you?”
Julia shook her head, her ratty blonde hair falling out of the collar of her robe. She stumbled to the table and dropped down into the nearest chair. Her fingers rubbed her tired, blurry eyes.
“What’s the matter?” Birgitta asked, moving over to the table. “Do you want some coffee?”
“Mm . . . ” Julia grumbled.
Birgitta set her cup down on the table and went back to the machine to pour her daughter a cup. Behind her, she could hear Julia’s hands dragging the cup across the table. Birgitta glanced over at her.
Julia was clutching the cup, rubbing her thumbs across the uneven, bumpy paint. When Julia’s coffee was ready, Birgitta sat back down at the table and handed it to her. Julia’s eyes were transfixed to the cup, staring at it with watery eyes.
“What’s wrong?” Birgitta asked.
Julia finally released the cup and scooted it back across the table. “University is hard,” Julia sighed. “I’m trying to be sensible, Mama. I really am.”
“What is it?” Birgitta asked, her voice etched with concern.
“I don’t think I can keep working,” Julia said, raising her palms into the air. “Before you lecture me, I know that getting a loan is going to make it so much worse long-term. But I can’t do it, Mama. I’m so tired all the time. I go to school in the morning, then I work into the night. By the time I eat, shower, and get ready to study . . .”
Julia’s eyes glassed over as she stared into the distance. Birgitta could see the change in her daughter. The bubbly, affectionate girl had turned cold and tired. As much as it pained Birgitta to see her daughter rake up debt, she knew it wouldn’t be the end of the world.
Most people took student loans so they could live away from home and be adults for the first time in their lives. Since University was free for all, they could easily rent apartments with their loan. Instead of being tied down in a job, students could go out partying and live whatever kind of life they wanted.
Only, Julia had been told differently by her parents. Birgitta had worked while she studied. Her paycheck covered rent and bills, but not much else. She had no free time and spent all of those years with her nose buried in books. Sure, it had allowed her to move into the next stage of her life without a deep, dark shadow following behind her, but she had wasted what could’ve been the best years of her life.
