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I cross my arms, chewing on my lip and thinking back to that night on Azoth. Now that I think of it…yes, maybe I did. I only gave into my desire when Frankie ordered me to do so.
“Sorry,” Bekah says, her voice softer now. “I’m not trying to make fun of you. I know you care about her.”
“And I think that’s what makes this so difficult,” I murmur. I realize my error immediately after I speak, my eyes widening. “Though I of course care about you.”
“But not like that,” she says. “I get it. And I guess…well, humans are weird,especiallyAmericans. We have this sense of shame around sex that can kick us in the ass.”
“Why would she be ashamed?” I ask. “We enjoyed each other. I’ve done so enough times with perfect strangers.”
“Yeah—on Earth we have this thing called ‘the walk of shame,’” Bekah says.
“I didn’t see her walk differently.”
“That’s not what I mean,” Bekah laughs. “It’s like…when you walk home the morning after ahookawpand you’re embarrassed about it.”
Ah—hookawps. This, I understand. It’s a casual encounter, similar to what we Skoropi engage in for pleasure.
“So she’s ashamed?” I ask. “And what can I do? I don’t want her to be ashamed.”
“I didn’t take her for the type, but you never know,” Bekah says. “I guess…talk to her?”
“Right,” I say. “I’ll try.”
??
If only I could get them alone.
Every time I try to talk to Frankie, she finds some excuse to run off. She’s always got tasks to complete—to debrief with Agent Nguyen, to exercise on a strange running device we picked up on Azoth. When she’s on the device, she insists on wearing her musical ear flowers, and I can’t get a word in.
Malix is just as unreachable. On our first day after departure, he seems perturbed—and will not admit that he was watching Frankie and I on Azoth. As far as the two of them are concerned, nothing happened at all. I start to wonder if I’m going insane, if my desire has driven me to the brink of lucidity. Malix goes back to hiding in his room, and I accept that, before we go on our mission, we will not make amends.
For what, though? Are we fighting?
Indeed, I come to accept that I will not speak to either of them the night before we leave. I sit in my workshop and sipderize, taking comfort in this place before boarding anotherzephtan. I could stay here, I suppose; I volunteered myself for this mission recklessly, and I’m not particularly skilled in battle or stealth. There is every chance I’ll get us all killed.
Yes…maybe I should speak with Zandro about remaining on Jaya while Frankie and Malix go with Ravik.
“You look distressed.”
I snap my head around and find Malix standing in the entrance from the spine, his hand on the wall. Some sweet scent wafts from the spine, like flowers blooming. I furrow my brow as he walks closer, trying to grapple with how little I expected to see him here—and how he has suddenly appeared.
“I didn’t hear you,” I say, stumbling over my words. By the Divine—I’m drunk. I hadn’t intended on interacting with anyone else tonight, given the late hour.
“I can leave,” Malix says, gesturing over his shoulder.
“No,” I say. “Stay.” I swallow hard. “Please.”
He crosses his arms and comes slowly closer, his silver scales gleaming in the light. They have prisms of color within them, I realize, beautiful and deep. I fixate on the color glancing off his skin, finally pulling my eyes back to him. He leans against the desk, all lean muscle beneath a thin, smooth uniform. His white hair is messy and rumpled, like he just woke up.
“I wanted to tell you,” he starts, “I was not…judging you. For what you did with Frankie. The Lyra are sometimes anti-intimacy, but I don’t hold to those same values.”
I had not thought he was—a society without intimacy is so alien to me that the idea of his condemnation hadn’t occurred to me. “Well, thank you,” I say, unsure of how to respond.
“And I wish…” He pauses, shaking his head like he’s trying to emerge from a fog. “I wish to be friends with you both—without discomfort or judgement. If you’ll accept my friendship.”
The grin creeps over my face slowly, but soon it’s warming my heart, and I know he can see the change of color in my eyes. He smiles back. “Of course I will,” I say. “And you—are you growing more comfortable on the ship?”
Malix shudders. “Just in time to leave, I suppose.”
