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CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
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TARAVEN
Waiting is our only option. Frankie and Malix are unreachable, buried somewhere beneath Liatra. I feel impossibly, horribly far away, trapped on Jaya like my life has not been changed forever, like the two of them were never here.
And I realize why Zandro looks so sad all the time—why I find Bekah weeping in the hull, why Mai and Reza are so stoic.
Because the risk of being torn away from yourekirahis too great in war…and it hurts more than anything in the world.
I know they did this because I was too sick to come with them, that they are putting their lives on the line to help all our species survive. Does it make me selfish that I’m angry with them for not coming home with me?
I find myself back in Jaya’s hull, where I once sought peace and solace. The feeling doesn’t come easy without them; all I can think about is sharing a drink when they return, watching them fight…
Waiting is horrible.
It hurts worse than being shot in the chest—and I have a fresh and intimate experience with that.
I have never been angry about living on Jaya—not since I was young and forced to leave Zanpi. Working in the harsh environment of thezephtanranches on Razakii was the worst it could get, I thought. For years, I accepted that it was my lot in life to be alone and keeping pleasant company on Jaya.
Not anymore.
And knowing that they’re in danger…
“Knock knock,” a female voice says.
A head of long golden hair pokes around the threshold to my workshop, Bekah’s eyes wide and inquisitive. I frown.
“Who is there…?”
She snorts as she steps inside and crosses her arms. “Not a joke,” she says. “I was just letting you know I was here—but nice work remembering the setup.”
“I am an expert in human jokes,” I say, but my smile doesn’t meet my eyes. I feel…hollow.
“I came to check up on you,” she says. “You made a quick exit when you came aboard. I figured you wanted to be alone, but…that’s not really like you, is it?”
I lean back on my stool, my tail bracing me as I take a sip ofderize. Bekah looks toward the tap and I huff out a breath before rising to get her a glass, too. We used to spend long nights here, talking about all the different plant life onboard…but that has changed.
Everything has changed.
“I’m worried about them,” I say.
Bekah’s brow furrows. “I’m sure you are,” she says. “And for what it’s worth, that’s normal. You guys have gotten close?”
“We had sex,” I say. “The three of us. Like we discussed before, it wasn’t like with you and Zandro, it was…it was more.”
“Humans call that the difference between having sex and making love,” she says. “It wasn’t just about pleasure; you felt something?”
“I felt…everything,” I say. “I thought it would just be pleasant—that I would feel satisfaction, happiness. But all I have felt since I realized I have these feelings for them isdissatisfaction and fear.”
Bekah bites her lip.
“That’s the terrible thing about love,” she says. “It makes you feel all kinds of bad feelings. It’s like opening up a raw wound and letting someone poke at it…and hoping they don’t hurt you too bad.”
“Is that what it’s like all the time?” I ask. I rake one of my hands through my hair, letting my claws scrape painfully against my scalp. “If it is, I don’t want it.”
“Anothersheetything is that you don’t really have a choice,” she scoffs. “But Taraven—when they’re home, it will all be worth it. The pain, I mean. They’re going to survive this ordeal and deactivate the weapon on Liatra, and then they’ll come home. And one day you’ll wake up in their arms and you’ll feel like everything is falling into place.”
