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Suddenly, my phone buzzes again and I glance down at it, expecting to see another text from Diablo.
But it’s not. It’s a call from Ben.
I fumble with the phone, pressing it to my ear, and I croak out a “hello?” The voice on the other end is soft and sorrowful. I know he’s saying sentences but I can’t understand.
“What?” is all I manage. “What?” I gasp.
And as my brain finally catches up and his words register, the phone suddenly slips from my hand and clatters onto the ground.
“Lexington?” William asks, moving toward me. But he sounds worlds away. I’m underwater and I can’t fucking breathe. My vision narrows and all I can do is feel William clutching onto my arms, trying to ground me, to hold me in place, but I am tumbling backward onto my ass on the kitchen floor.
No.No, no, no, no.
This is not happening. It can’t be happening.
“We have to…” I gasp, feeling his hands on my shoulders. “We have to…”
I can’t fucking breathe. My lungs no longer work.
“Shit,” I hear him mutter, and then I’m swept into his arms and cradled against his chest. I tuck my face into his neck, breathing him in, trying to focus.
For a moment, I am pulled back to reality, but it’s much too painful, so I allow myself to be swept away again. Because it’s easier than dealing with the grief.
Dealing with the sorrow, with the regret.
I’ve lost so much in my life.
And now I’ve lost one more.
“It’s okay. You’re okay,” William whispers, his lips on my temple. “Come back to me, Lexington.”
I gasp, a wrecked breath entering my chest and I feel my cheeks damp with tears. I hear sobbing and realize it’s coming from me.
It has to be a mistake. She was fine when we left. She was totally fucking fine. Maybe a little tired. A little resigned.
Growing old is not for the faint of heart.
My eyes snap open and I meet William’s distraught expression. He must have picked up the phone and heard the news. He fucking knows. Tears stream down his cheeks and his breath comes out of his mouth in rasps and shakes. He squeezes me tighter to him, holding me, cradling me, as if he can make the pain go away using sheer willpower.
“We have to go. It—it’s a mistake. It h—has to be a mistake,” I stutter, my words broken and choppy.
“Yeah,” he says, swiping his lips against my wet cheek. “Yeah. We can go. We can go anytime.”
A loud rumble of thunder racks the apartment again and I cling to him, wanting to get up and move, but also not wanting to let go, to leave his embrace.
What if he leaves me too? What if I lose William?
I’d never recover.
Never.
I hold on to him a little longer, just feeling the way his chest rises and falls with heavy, broken breaths, just reveling in how alive he is in this very moment.
I finally take a deep breath and pull away and he takes that for what it is.
He moves out from beneath me and grabs my shoes, helping me toe them on, and then his arm is slung around me, half carrying me to the car because my legs don’t fucking work. In the middle of the parking lot, they lock in place and refuse to move forward because I know what I’m walking toward, despite pretending like I don’t.
William stumbles slightly, his body wrenched from mine. But we don’t stay parted for long because I’m suddenly swept up in his arms and he’s carrying me to his car.
