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“Never.”
* * *
We make our way back to his apartment an hour later, and both of us are wrung out and exhausted. I have to almost carry Lex up the stairs and into bed.
Once we’re inside, we strip down until we’re both naked and we crawl into bed, our bodies sliding together, our hands on skin, just finding comfort in each other.
It doesn’t feel sexual. No, this is desperation, pure and simple. A momentary escape from the pain. We wrap ourselves as tightly as we can around the other, our warm breath tickling our skin.
And that’s how we fall asleep.
* * *
I spend the entire next day in bed with Lex. Neither of us bothers to dress and work is forgotten. Lex has rescheduled his clients and I let Jason know that I wouldn’t be in the rest of the week.
He didn’t even huff and puff like he usually does. He just muttered his condolences and hung up. It was all so eerily easy.
I run my hands through Lex’s hair, feeling the puffs of breath against my shoulder as we hold each other. Neither of us is willing to be apart from the other for too long. At one point I got up to pee and Lex followed me into the bathroom, his eyes on me the entire time. And when he got up to grab a bottle of water an hour ago, I fidgeted nervously until he returned.
I can feel the absence of Brenda in my life acutely. It’s as if a part of me has been carved out of me and I’m not quite sure what to do. How am I supposed to move on with life with her gone? I have no family now. I have no one but Lex. He seems to be the only solace from the pain in my chest. The only hope I’m clinging to.
I need him more than I’ve ever needed anyone.
It’s not healthy, this codependence we have, or is it? Does it even matter? It’s necessary. It’s what we need. And whatever this is between Lex and me, it wasn’t normal to begin with.
But normal is overrated in my opinion. And boring. And Lex is definitely not boring.
“Do you think she’s happy now?” Lex asks, his hand sliding up my stomach. “Like in heaven or some shit?”
I inhale deeply. “Yeah. I do.”
“Do you think she was happy here, with me? With us?”
I glance down at him and see his watery stare. “Of course she was.”
“She looked so peaceful,” he mutters and then shifts until he’s completely on top of me, nuzzling his face into my neck, his hands sliding behind my back. “I think she knew it was coming soon. She hinted at it a lot. I shrugged it off and scolded her for it…but I think she was trying to prepare me. I just think there’s no way to really prepare yourself for losing someone like that.”
“Yeah, it’s true,” I say, running my hands up his sides and holding him against me.
We’re silent a moment and he sighs. “I want to fuck you, William. Will you let me?”
He leans up and those sad eyes meet mine.
“Always.”
“God, I love how you always say yes to me.” He rests his forehead against mine. “I just want to feel something good, William. And you feel so fucking good.”
I swallow roughly at the desperation in his voice and know that I need this just as much as he does. I pull him in for an intense and frenzied kiss, his fingers working me open, and then moments later he’s sliding inside of me and fucking me deep and rough. We hold each other tightly, fingers clutching hard, digging in. I gasp as he runs his nails roughly down my chest and the physical pain mixed with acute pleasure feels so damn good. It drowns out the emotional pain and feels like a reprieve, like freedom.
I can feel him all the way to my soul.
There’s something different about this time, something more needy, visceral, and powerful. Lex holds my gaze as he works me over the edge. I feel his cum unloading inside of me as I spasm around him, and then he collapses against my chest, panting wildly. I wrap my arms around him and kiss his forehead.
For a moment, I wonder if this is what making love feels like. We need to do that again when sorrow isn’t hanging heavily over us.
“Fuck, I needed that.”
“Me too,” I say, kissing the top of his head. “Me too.”
