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‘Are you trying to seduce me again?’ I let the murmur of my words shipwreck against his Adam’s apple.
‘Try!... No. I’ll go straight in for the kill.’ He drove his thumb to brush against the contour of my cheek, but the trace of a lost tear stopped him on his path. ‘What’s this?’
What was that indeed?
I thought we had settled things somehow, although my mind didn’t agree. At least not until it heard him actually say it out loud.
Funny, I never needed words.
I was always a strong believer that no sentence could replace a gesture. But this time around, my sanity had been subjected to its greatest challenge.
And I wasn’t sure it fully recovered.
‘Nothing,’ I lied through my teeth, unwilling to admit that I still needed reassurances. I guess that with Ferris, only time could tell where we really stood.
‘Crying isn’tnothing. Did I do something?’ I was managing to confuse him regarding what exactly was going on in my head.
I instantly drove my face to bury it on my pillow.
‘Bea.’ He tried bringing my head to face him, though without any success. I just curled into a ball and plunged deeper into the fluffy cushion.
I was the one having mood swings this time. Somehow around Ferris, there was no way to prevent my fears from getting the better of me, even if less than an hour before, I was convinced that we were going to make it through.
Though it wasn’t some state of bipolarity or depression peaking at its max, there was a hidden reason beneath the crystal tears. Something that had to do with his past.
‘Would you speak to me?’ he asked.
But I couldn’t speak.
I couldn’t bring myself to formulate even a word.
It seemed foolish when I thought about it, yet the culmination of everything was finally weighing in on me.
It was like I wanted him to know what was wrong with me without me actually having to say it. A woman’s dream and a man’s constant impossibility. The source of all disappointments — men are never mind-readers. Quite the opposite, in fact.
Still, Ferris managed to surprise me that night. Maybe it had something to do with his attraction to the spiritual side, but he was wording out my thoughts. ‘Does this have to do with Vanya? Did she say something to you?’
‘Did she havesomethingto say to me?’
‘Nothing that would make any difference to what we have.’ His voice was still soft, despite the severity of my question.
‘What we have,’ I repeated his words.
What did we have?
Everything?.... Or nothing?
‘Did you know that when I got shot,I was dead for a couple of minutes?’ Ferris decided to finally take a step inthatdirection.
If I was to be honest, I was terrified of the outcome— of what opening up might do to him. And at the same time, this was what could make us invincible.
‘I wasn’t sure. But I was close enough to understand. I had my own life and death experience, and even if I didn’t have bullet marks on my chest, I wear the scars in my heart. I tremble every night from the memories.’
Thistime, he wouldn’t let the past defeat him. ‘I felt something that night,’ Ferris continued, throwing his head back on his pillow. ‘Fuck... This feels impossible to speak about.’
‘Take your time.’
And he did, letting minutes pass without even the sound of his breath.
