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“What else was I supposed to say? The truth? You were shit-faced drunk, puking in the bathroom all night.”
“I’m sorry,” he says slowly. “And thanks for not telling them.”
“Oh, you’re welcome.”
Noah lowers his head, sighing, and pulls onto the street. A few minutes pass before he speaks. “I only got drunk because I was stressing about you and Ella.”
“Like that’s supposed to make me feel better? I’m exhausted, Noah. You have no idea how bad my back hurts every day. I cannot do this. I can’t work and deal with pregnancy symptoms, try to have a life, and take care of you. There’s no way I can go back to school with two people to take care of. I was up worrying you were going to choke to death on your own vomit. You promised me this wouldn’t happen again, and here we are—again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…” I look away, tears in my eyes. Why can’t he see this is the last thing I need? “You missed our baby shower. Don’t you care? If not about being there for me, then for Ella?”
I put my hand over my stomach, feeling our baby kick up a storm. I don’t think she likes hearing her parents arguing, even if she has no idea what is going on.
I hate it.
I hate feeling like we’re not enough. I hate being afraid to raise my daughter on my own. I close my eyes, pushing out tears that roll down my cheeks. It’ll be better in the end. Yeah, it’s going to suck and be hard as hell, but I’d rather be a single mom for as long as it takes than be in a relationship that’s full of disappointment and hurt. Ella deserves better than that. She deserves to see her mom happy, to see what a healthy relationship looks like.
Noah parks in front of my house. We unload the gifts in silence, putting everything in the living room.
“I can help organize the nursery,” Noah offers.
“No,” I say shortly. “I just want to lay down. Please go.”
“Lauren,” he starts.
“Stop,” I say, holding up my hand. I can’t hear what he has to say, because I might cave. My heart is threatening to overrule my head right now, and I can’t have that. My worst fears about Noah have surfaced, and this proves how much he isn’t ready to be a father. “Please go, Noah.”
Noah looks at me, brow furrowed with hurt. His jaw tenses. “We don’t have to—”
“No!” I turn away, tears streaming down my face. “Go. I’ll call you when I’m in labor. Just leave.”
I can feel his eyes on me, waiting for me to say something. I want to. I want to tell him it’s okay and he can have a second chance. I want him to hold me, kiss me, tell me he’s sorry and it won’t happen again.
But he already said that. And here we are. Again.
He takes a breath and turns to leave. “Bye, Vader,” he says softly and pats the German Shepherd on the head. My heart breaks as I look at Noah, knowing that there is no way this is going to work.
Chapter 22
NOAH
I’M GOING TO make things work. I can’t lose Lauren. The thought of not having her next to me in the morning takes my breath away and replaces my heart with a cold, empty ball of ice. Life without Lauren isn’t living. It’s surviving, going day by day because I have to, not because I want to.
And life without Lauren means life without my daughter. Not on a daily basis, that is. I want us, all three of us, to be together for the rest of our lives, happy and together. My heart broke when she told me to leave, shattering into a million pieces when I walked out the door. I don’t want to think I’ll never walk in again.
But I don’t think I will.
Not as I did before.
She’s mad now. Tired, hormonal. Lauren is level-headed. Lauren is kind. Will she forgive me?
If I tell her the truth, she’ll see everything in a different light. But open up about my asshole father … I’ve never said anything to anyone before. Not even Colin knows about the shit my dad put me through.
Oh, fuck. Colin.
I didn’t just lose the love of my life. I lost my best friend. Because Colin won’t forgive me for hurting his sister, and ultimately his niece. My mind flashes to the future, to holidays and birthdays. Will we have to do everything separately like a divorced couple?
Stop. Lauren could still forgive me. But why should she? I’ll probably fuck up again. I don’t know how to be a dad. Maybe Ella is better off without me too. It hurts, thinking I won’t be in her life, but if it’s for the best, then that’s what I want.
