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“I had no choice. I had to leave for your own good,” she says, leaving me puzzled.
“Explain what you mean, Leila… Mom,” I correct myself again. Try as I might, the word “Mom” just doesn’t come naturally to me. She raises her head and looks me in the eyes.
“I chose to keep you alive by leaving instead of staying,” Leila says.
This makes no sense. What is she talking about?
“Alive?” I ask, and she sighs.
“It’s a long story, Aurora. Let’s just say that your father and I weren’t on good terms when I gave birth to you,” she says. I mull over her words for a moment. It doesn’t strike me as a surprise that they’d have a complicated relationship. My father’s clearly a dick. But I’m curious to know what caused the rift between them…and how things are different now.
“What changed?” I ask her.
“A lot has changed, my dear. But most importantly, I couldn’t wait any longer to meet you,” she says, and I watch her silently, then look down at my own hands. I’m fidgeting too. Is it something I inherited from her?
You’re grasping at straws, Aurora.
God. Am I desperate for this to be real?
“How have you been?” She asks abruptly. I shrug in response. What does she expect me to say? That I’ve lived a charmed life? That is obviously not the case.
“Fine,” I mutter, still looking down.
“Your father used to send me pictures of you every year. It was the best I could get from him,” she says. I look up abruptly.
What?
“My father sent you my pictures?” I ask, and she nods in response.
“Every year, around your birthday,” she says. “It was beautiful watching you grow from my baby into a fine young woman,” she says.
I don’t know what to say. I had no idea my father was even taking photos of me. Have I been wrong about him all these years? Is he just a man who struggles to show affection? In the world we live in, that wouldn’t be unusual.
“I always wanted to come for you,” Leila goes on, “but I was afraid of what your father might do. He… he made so many threats back then. I even feared for your safety, my darling.”
Now that sounds a lot more like the man who raised me. I feel my jaw tighten, although it gladdens my heart to know that she cares about me. But what am I supposed to do with this information? How am I supposed to feel about her? In my imagination, this had all gone so differently.
“What have you been doing all these years?” I change the subject. Her smile fades away again.
“Surviving.” Her voice is tight with tension. “Being away from you was harder than you’ll ever know. I was so… angry at everything.” Her words pull deeply at me and I feel myself soften toward her slightly. Anger is definitely an emotion I can identify with.
"I understand," I say simply.
“I was angry that you seemed so near, yet so far away. I wanted to at least hear your voice, but I knew I couldn’t risk it,” she says.
“So why now?” I question.
“You’re no longer under your father’s surveillance. What better time than now?” She says. I guess she does have a point. I’m Lev’s prisoner now, not my father’s. “I’ve missed so many milestones,” she continues. “Your first words. The day you went to school. Your graduation. Your laughter. I even missed your wedding.” Her eyes well with tears. “What mother misses those things?”
It’s a question I know she’s not expecting an answer to. Her eyes become distant for a moment before she returns her attention to me.
“I couldn’t take any more. I begged your father to put me in touch with you. To let me see you. Even if it’s just once,” she says, dashing tears away with the back of her hand. “I figured that now that you’re grown and have a life and a husband of your own, your father couldn’t pose a threat anymore.”
“So, what now? Do you plan on disappearing again?” I ask. I know I’m being hard on her, but what does she expect? I can’t simply put the last twenty years aside.
“No. Not this time.” She shakes her head. “I want to be here for you, Aurora. I want to be a part of your life. I know it’s a lot to ask but I’ve missed so much already. The idea of missing even more is too much to bear,” she says.
There’s longing in her eyes, and I want to tell her that what she is asking for isn’t that simple. It will take a lot to accept that she is back and wants a place in my world again.
