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Hey,
So I'm emailing now.
The shrink says that your name comes up quite often in our sessions. Yours and Temperence's. I said it's because you were my manager and I'd like to think, one of the few true friends I have. He asked me to describe our relationship, and for God's love, I can't find the words.
With Temperance, it was easy. She's my sister. It has always been complicated. You know how she is.
You give me hell. I hated that one time you imposed a curfew on me during a tour because I was staying out all night and unable to perform during rehearsals. I hated you when you camped at the door to block my way, and you totally deserved it when I tripped on you. I regret hurting you when I fell, though. I'm sorry you landed in the hospital and broke a rib.
You seem to know me better than I know myself. Better than anyone does, really. When Lennon and I nearly came to blows during our last rehearsals, you put yourself between us before dragging me out for fresh air. I didn't want to hit him. I only wanted him to think that. But you don't wish to anyone bloodying my beautiful face.
You've seen me at my worst. Instead of staying at my side, you left me.
I can understand that.
You showed me what I had to do by leaving.
Please write back.
Yours, Ramiro
Carmen reread Ramiro's email before she closed her laptop.
Tanner was in the shower. She glanced at the bedroom door before pulling at the drawer under her desk. Nestled along with tickets from Seismic's first significant concert were his three letters.
She opened them and reread them, one by one. In all was the voice of a man determined to change his life. That was good. Carmen had gotten fed up with Ramiro's behavior, but she never stopped believing that he would do the right thing. He was on the road to that. But he still had a ways to go.
His letters were unanswered because she didn't know what to say to him. Ramiro said they were friends, but for her, they were business associates, partners with mutual respect rather than friends. They hung out and ribbed at each other but had no intimacies of friendship. She looked after Seismic and helped them out because it was expected of her. She was the manager.
Members of the Seismic had drifted away to do their own thing after disbanding. Carmen ran into them every once in a while, and they would reminisce about the old days. But that was all.
Still, for Ramiro to write to her. Three handwritten letters, no less.
Her cheeks warmed as her mind veered. She refused to acknowledge, would never admit. It was bad enough that Temperance picked up on it and nearly caused the band to end early on. But it was more difficult now, even with her gone. Whatever feelings Carmen may have had towards Ramiro, she could say they were gone now. Passing notion of a much younger heart back in the day. She had a relationship with Tanner Morrison. A romantic, adult relationship, she thought to herself, looking down at her ring.
Carmen and Tanner now lived together. He had the more prominent place, but her house was closer to their work, so for practical purposes, they settled here. She had never lived with anyone before, so they were still at that awkward phase of adjusting to each other - more so with Tanner. He was selling his apartment, and most of his stuff was in storage. Carmen did her best to make him feel comfortable - at home - but there were many things that just couldn't be done right. Naively, she had only cleared space in the walk-in closet for him and a shelf in the bathroom. She hadn't realized that she would have to make room for another life.
During the first two weeks, whatever awkwardness or wrong happened in the early days of living together had them resolving things by fucking on any flat surface. They soon realized that not everything could be determined by a tit show or a kiss, and they may face bigger problems than they realized.
For one, Tanner kept nagging her to set the date. She used to reason that they had just gotten engaged, but three months had passed since the night. For her, there was no need to rush. They weren't planning on a long engagement but did Tanner think that once engaged, wedding bells followed soon after? They couldn't even pick up their laundry on time.
Another thing she should not complain about was . . . well, the fucking. They were fucking nearly all the time. Carmen worried that Tanner might be a sex addict because he always wanted it. Really, really did. She was OK with one weekend of fucking, but when it got in the way of sleep, when a cock was jammed in her cunt before she could even stretch first thing in the morning, it was too much. Sometimes she arranged to be out during the weekend, picking an assignment that put her in another time zone, if possible.
Tanner had offered her a job in his firm. He wanted her to take it, and she was an idiot not to. The pay was generous, the opportunity immense, and she got to work with her fiancé. Most women would flip at a chance like this but not Carmen. She already lived with him. He was in her often. They were getting married.
Perhaps the worst thing she did was hide Ramiro from Tanner. Tanner knew Ramiro - the three of them had worked together before. Tanner had zero sympathies for Ramiro and wouldn't tolerate anything from him unless it involved money in the six figures. But Carmen and Ramiro knew each other longer, and out of a sense of old loyalty, she felt protective of him. She hated having to hide Ramiro's correspondence from Tanner. For Tanner, she ceased all things Seismic the day they disbanded. He would never understand that the band was her life for twelve years. It was easy to let Lennon, Russell, Lucas, and Euan drift away but not Ramiro.
And she was proud of him for getting to the Retreat to deal with his demons.
Carmen tucked his letters back in the drawer and opened her laptop. Flexed her fingers, she did, then began to type.
Dear Ramiro,
I have been getting your letters. I'm sorry for not answering. I've been . . .
Carmen frowned.
"Busy," she said aloud and typed it. Yeah. The generic safe answer. She couldn't write, "I've been unable to answer because my fiancé won't let me out of bed and even if I was, his dick would always find itself in me."
