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The same day my dad threatened to remove her from my life again.
The same day I cried until there were no tears left, then instead of going home, I went to Nate’s apartment because I needed him. Not anyone else, just him.
He’s the only one who’s able to chase away the chaos and make me feel at peace.
He’s the only one I think of when my world splinters to pieces. It’s not that he mends it together—he’s not my fixer. He’s just the other half who helps me in being me.
In fighting away the emptiness.
But he wasn’t there and his phone was turned off.
So I called Sebastian and he said he had no clue where his uncle was. He still doesn’t. Because Nate left nothing behind and the perpetrator is my father.
I could feel it deep down in my heart that Dad had something to do with it. Not only did he drive Nate away, but he also made him the devil and said he’s no good for me.
“This is what people like Nate do, Angel. Once they get what they want, they leave without a word.”
I didn’t want to believe him. I still don’t most of the time, but it’s been two weeks. Two whole weeks of not sleeping or eating properly, because every time I do, his face comes to mind. Vanilla milkshakes, ice cream, and cupcakes don’t taste the same without him.
They’re flavorless.
Just like my life.
Dad denies sending him away, saying that it was his choice and he can’t make Nate do anything. I agree, he can’t. He wasn’t successful in forcing him to divorce me, so how did he make him leave me?
And now of all times. When I needed him more than anything.
At first, I didn’t believe it, so I searched everywhere. I checked at every W&S branch in case he changed locations, but he’s at none of them. Then I was mad at him for leaving without notice, then I fell into that empty hole that has no way out. I’m in that phase right now.
The sadness. The damning sadness with no end in sight.
Nothing makes sense anymore and I’m waiting for a change that won’t happen. An end that won’t come.
Every day, I come to the firm and stare at his closed office door, and sometimes, I just sneak in there and take a nap on his sofa. The same sofa where he fucked me and whispered dirty words to me.
The same sofa that he told me to sit on and behave so I wouldn’t distract him, but I ended up being a brat anyway.
That’s where I’m lying right now. On his sofa, hugging my knees to my chest and breathing him in, because I don’t have much of his smell left. It’s been disappearing over time and soon enough, it’ll vanish just like he did.
Soon, I’ll go back to that hollowing emptiness with no change in sight.
The door clicks open and I jump to a sitting position, thinking it’s Dad. I could swear he saw me come out of here the other day, but he didn’t comment on it. Maybe that was a one-time thing and he won’t let it slide this time.
I really don’t want to fight with him. We barely talk at home and that’s painful enough as it is.
But it’s not him who walks inside. It’s Aspen.
My mother, Aspen. I still can’t wrap my mind around it, so I don’t. It’ll just go away with time, or that’s what I’d like to believe.
Every time she sees me, she tries to talk to me, but I just bolt or hide because I can’t face her. Because I hated her, was jealous of her for very illogical reasons.
And now that I’ve learned about our biological relations, it’s even harder to come to terms with my previous feelings for her.
Despite knowing her reasons and that she didn’t really abandon me, that she was so young when she had me, I’m unable to beat those facts into my brain.
So I opt to run again, avoid her again. Maybe Dad was right and I can pretend she didn’t happen.
But that’s a lie, isn’t it?
