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“She was still my mother.” Her voice shakes. “Yes, she separated Uncle Henry from his first wife by playing on his parents’ feelings and toyed with her brakes with the intention of killing her. But that was because Uncle Henry meant to leave us. Mum felt threatened and in her mind, getting rid of the problem was the right thing to do. I naturally don’t agree with her or her methods or what she did to Astrid, but I can see where she came from. She wasn’t a psycho; a psycho wouldn’t care, but she did. She loved me in her own screwed-up way and I choose to hold on to those moments instead of when I saw her arrested.”
“You said you didn’t visit her in prison.”
“It’s because I refused to see her that way. Just like you refused to sit down or talk to your father after you found out about the mistresses.”
“As disgusting as my father was, he didn’t escalate to murder.”
“He still shaped who you are, Daniel. As much as my mother shaped who I am. I’m assertive enough to admit that.”
I pause, watching the light in her eyes—it’s dim, but it’s there. And at this moment, I know it’ll never go away. That no matter what happens to this woman, she’s strong enough to dust off her shoulders, stand up and start all over again.
She got a redo once and she’d do it all over again if she has to.
“You’ve matured, Nicole.”More than I ever did or will.
“I had to.” She stares at Jayden and smiles. “When I had to raise a stubborn, incredibly intelligent, and asthmatic child like Jayden, I needed to leave all naïvety and privilege behind and dedicate my life to him.”
“I assume it wasn’t always easy.”
“In the first years, yes. Especially on the financial level. I could hardly find an affordable babysitter and I kept thinking about how he deserves a better education that I will probably never be able to provide him. But most of all, I’m lucky to have him. I seriously wouldn’t have survived this far without him.”
My fist clenches on my trousers and it’s out of self-loathing more than anything. It’s out of knowing that I could’ve prevented all of this if I could just go back in time.
“Jay even believes in my dreams more than I do.”
I raise a brow. “How so?”
“He said once he grows up, he’ll help me open my own restaurant.”
“You want that? A restaurant?”
“I only ever thought I loved making food, but I also discovered that I love bringing joy to people through it. So yeah, I guess. Not now, though. Probably when Jay doesn’t need me as much.”
The information is new but not surprising. She has the talent to have not only a restaurant but a dozen of them. And I might be imagining a million different ways to cut the tongue of every person who will eat her food. Because I’m extra like that.
“How about you?” she asks softly.
“How about me?”
“Did you live the life you always envisioned since your player days in secondary school?”
“It was fine.”Plain, empty, and fucking meaningless, but I have the decency to keep the embarrassing details to myself.
“Was it worth abandoning your mother and brother for?”
“For the thousandth time, I didnotabandon them. Nora Sterling is addicted to tears, drama, and wine—in that order. My name doesn’t belong to her list of priorities. As for Zach…he was the one who abandoned me.”
And I might have been more bitter about that than a loser in a presidential election.
She gives me a look as stern as when she’s scolding Jay about his homework. “You’re the one who didn’t attend your father’s funeral and told your mother to not contact you.”
“I didn’t extend the invitation to him, but he took it anyway.”
Sometimes, I think I’m extracurricular in my family. Zach is the firstborn, the holy messiah of the Sterling name, and the only thing they need to keep selling our souls to the devil in a buy-one-get-one-free sale.
Even my father cared about him sometimes, but never about me. My mother always went to cry on his shoulder. Admittedly, I never allowed such blasphemy, but anyway.
Zach and I, however, were different from the rest of our family. We were close.
