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Okay. There was another red flag. I was feeling uneasy. His words had taken a sharp turn, and it was a complete 360 from the way he had been with me until then. I was used to being open with him, but this was different. Something was off and I felt a little worried. Maybe I was just being too sensitive, but I needed to take a step back and realize that not everything was about me. I couldn't keep being so insecure. I had to stay strong for my mental health. I wanted to show him that I trusted him, and I did. I just had to remain calm and not let my emotions get the best of me.
The ride felt different without our usual chatter. We usually talked and joked, but this time there was only the sound of the road. I felt anxious and unsure, but he remained silent and still. The silence was almost oppressive, and I could feel the tension in the air. I was relieved when we finally reached our destination.
Then, when we left the limo, things were still a bit awkward. We walked back inside the building to the office without saying a word to each other. Even in the elevator, the tension was palpable. It wasn't until we reached the office that I knew I had to clear the air once more.
"Randy, I'm not going crazy. You're a totally different person from that island. What the hell’s going on? You're freaking me out a little bit."
"Madison,” he snapped. I was taken back by the fact that he snapped. I had never seen him frustrated. Not once. I had seen him act like a dick when he was drunk. But I never saw Randy angry. I definitely didn't like it. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you. But when I say nothing is wrong, nothing is wrong. Okay? I can't make that anymore clear."
I sat down at my desk, feeling a sense of worry in my stomach. He hadn't even looked at me when I attempted to talk to him. I wanted to keep prying, but I decided to let it go instead. I was so worried that I was going to discover a different side of him, one that I didn't know. All I wanted was to feel like I really knew him, but it was impossible now.
I had one problem though. It was the fact that it was hard not to snap at him for how he snapped at me. Luckily he said, "I’m sorry, all right? Really. I just— if there was something I had to say to you, I would say it… I promise."
Relief washed over me, but my suspicions lingered. I knew there was more to the story than he was letting on. I was no fool; I could tell when someone was keeping secrets. But I had no way to uncover his thoughts. I was left to wonder what he was really thinking.
I felt frustrated and angry as I realized that I had been mistaken about the level of our relationship. The few times we had interacted had felt so intimate, as if we could be entirely honest and open with each other, but now I realized that that wasn't the case. I was acting like a high school girl with a crush, getting ahead of myself and expecting too much too soon. I needed to take a step back and remember that the relationship was still in its early stages, and that I had to be patient and understanding. I had to remind myself that I barely knew this person, after all.
I tried to distract myself from thinking about the elephant in the room by setting up my desk and immersing myself in work. Although I still had moments of contemplation, I made a conscious effort to stay focused. I was determined not to let my emotions consume me; instead, I chose to occupy my time with productive tasks.
Whatever was going to happen next was going to happen, regardless of anything that I said or did.
And that terrified me.
Chapter 15
Randy
To say that there was a monkey on my back would not have described the feeling that I had tugging at my heart and soul. I felt like a heavy weight was pressing down on my chest, a black hole of guilt in my stomach. I hated lying to Madison, as she was the one person I promised to always be honest with. She made me so happy, and I felt like I was taking that for granted by keeping this secret from her. But I couldn't bring myself to tell her that she was naked on the internet.
I created a series of lies to convince myself that it was okay to deceive her. I told myself that no one would ever find out, that she wouldn't be hurt by the truth, and that she would be better off without knowing. But these were all lies; she deserved honesty, respect, and to know the truth.
But I did something else, arguably more horrible. As I rewatched the footage, I felt a deep sense of guilt and shame. I had done something so wrong, so incredibly wrong. I had allowed my carnal desires to take over and I had masturbated to the sight of her on the security camera. She was so beautiful and so sexy that I couldn't help myself. Seeing her emotions play out all over again in a different angle was a glorious and powerful experience, one that I will never forget. She was the epitome of what every man dreams of, and I was lucky enough to experience it. Her curves, her nipples, her exquisite beauty; it was all too much for me to resist. As I felt her presence around me in that moment, I realized how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. The whole experience changed my perspective and I was forever grateful for it.
That night, I sat there, my hard cock in my hand, and my fingers running along the veins. I knew I had to do something drastic to make up for my bad behavior. I had taken her out of work and to a private island, and then I had sex with her in the workplace. I had also pushed her into becoming an online pornstar without her knowing. I was a terrible influence. I was not the kind of person who should be around her. I knew that my punishment had to be severe if I was ever going to feel okay about myself again. Oh, how I hated myself.
The following day, Madison and I worked in an uncomfortable silence. I felt like I was on stage, struggling to remember my lines. I was so overwhelmed by the secret I kept from her that I could hardly concentrate. Every time I looked at her, my anxiety rose. I was not used to keeping secrets, and it weighed heavily on me. I could hardly bear the tension in the air.
"I know I told you I wouldn’t pry anymore. But, Randy, something is seriously off. We no longer hang out. You barely talk to me at work. You barely look at me. What am I supposed to think right now? Is there some other girl?"
"No— no, Madison. Absolutely not." I knew I shouldn't respond if she asked why I was acting strange, but I couldn't let her think I'd been with another woman. I had more integrity than that.
"Okay, then what is it, Randy? I'm really struggling with this; it's really driving me crazy. Leaving work every day with this feeling of uncertainty and feeling like I haven't done enough is really taking a toll on me. Is this really it, Randy? Are we really over?"
I felt like I should have been asking her that question, but I hadn't yet. I knew that I would ask her once the news came out, if it ever did. I finally said, "We're not through. Not by a long shot. I want you in my life."
"Are you telling me that you want me in your life, but not romantically? I'm not naive, I know when someone isn't interested anymore. I keep telling myself that I'm not stupid and I wasn't born yesterday, and it's not fair to me. What's going on?"
The tension in my chest was overwhelming; I was about to lose my temper. I didn't want to snap at her; she didn't deserve that. Well, she didn't deserve a lot of things. Her privacy being violated by having her nude body shared online is at the top of that list.
As she sat there waiting for me to respond, no words came out of my mouth. I was at a loss for what to say. I wanted to explain the situation to her, but I knew I couldn't without causing her more pain. So I sat in silence, unable to find the right words to say.
"I'm going to grab a coffee," I said, already out of my seat.
"That's it? You're just going to walk out like that? We're not going to finish this discussion?"
Don't snap. Don't snap.Don't snap. I kept saying it over and over in my head. I knew I wasn't myself at that moment. Anyone would snap after being forced to talk. I kept my cool.
"Madison, we are at work. There's nothing to talk about here."
