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“I met Michael when I was twenty-four. He was a partner at the accounting firm that hired me right after university. I didn’t work in his division, but we met at a social event, and he took an interest in my career. I was flattered, of course.” How she wished she could go back and warn her younger, more innocent self.
“It wasn’t long before we started dating. I worried about the age gap, but it seemed liked we had a lot in common, and we had so much fun together that I ignored any doubts. Within six months we were engaged, and we married a few months after that. I was about to start my MBA, and I didn’t want to juggle school and wedding planning.”
The wedding had been small, because Michael had already done the big wedding thing with his first wife. Agreeing had been the easiest option, because with the pressure of school looming, Jules hadn’t had the energy to plan a big event.
Nik’s thumb was rubbing soothing circles over the back of her hand, and his voice was low and gentle as he asked another question. “When did things go wrong?”
Jules let out a pained laugh. “Immediately? The warnings signs were probably there before the wedding, but who sees them when they are in love? My school schedule was the first problem. I was doing a compressed program in order to complete it faster, but that meant I was either at school or studying. Not a great way to start our married life. Michael expected me to prioritize him, but I wanted to advance my education and my career. The fights got nastier, with him picking away at my confidence, telling me I wasn’t smart enough or talented enough. Telling me I should quit and take a staff accountant position somewhere, with steady hours and no real challenge. I refused to give up, and when I graduated and returned to work at the firm, things got a little better.”
Jules had realized later that her return to the firm had allowed Michael to keep a closer eye on her. He knew where she was at all times. School had provided her with too much freedom.
“When I was twenty-seven, I was offered a job at Harbourview as a revenue accountant. Harbourview and Coastal were growing rapidly, and there appeared to be opportunities for advancement. When I told Michael I wanted to take it, he was furious. I couldn’t understand why. He was the one who wanted me to take a steady accounting job, so this should have been exactly what he wanted. I think he saw the same potential that I did, but he wanted to undermine my confidence so that I didn’t have enough faith in myself to try to climb higher. It wasn’t long after I accepted the job that he suggested we start trying to get pregnant. I had always wanted a family, so I agreed.”
“Hesuggested it?” Nik’s eyebrows quirked.
Jules snorted. “It was another way to control me. He reminded me I had told him before we married how much I had wanted a family. He said we should start trying before he got too much older, because he didn’t want to be seventy when his kids were graduating from high school. I was thrilled, at first.”
For almost a year, they’d stopped using birth control. When nothing happened, Jules started using tracking tools, taking her temperature, doing everything possible to optimize their chances of conceiving. Her remembered frustration and sadness at her failure to get pregnant was nothing compared to the anger she felt over Michael’s later actions.
“After two years of trying, I was getting desperate. Every month would send me into a depression, and my anxiety was skyrocketing. I went to a fertility doctor for testing, but they didn’t find anything. They prescribed a drug regimen, and we tried again.”
“That must have been difficult.” The concern in Nik’s voice warmed her.
“Our last fight was brutal. My period came, which meant I wasn’t pregnant, but it also meant I physically felt awful. I was a mess. Michael had some business dinner he wanted me to attend with him, and when I refused, he attacked me with a laundry list of reasons I was a failure as a wife. Michael had a way with words. He could do more damage with words than anyone else I’ve ever met, and he enjoyed doing it. He had never physically hurt me, but the years of psychological abuse and control had left me unable to defend myself against his attacks. That night he was on a roll. He went further than he ever had before, and he told me that not only was I a terrible wife, but I would make a terrible mother, and he was glad he would never make me one.”
“Jesus. What did he mean by that?” Nik released her hand and moved to pull her close, offering his warmth to quell the shaking that had started as she spoke.
Jules wrapped her arms tight around her middle, instinctively protecting herself from the pain of her memories. “The way he said it didn’t sound right. I demanded he explain what he meant and badgered him until he finally answered. He told me that he’d had a vasectomy more than a decade earlier, and that I would never have a child. He laughed when he told me; he thought it was funny. Like tricking me into marrying him was an accomplishment. That was the end for me. He had lied to me about the one thing I wanted most, then got some sick pleasure out of watching me suffer month after month when I couldn’t conceive. I told him I was leaving and pulled out a suitcase to pack a few things. He wasn’t about to let that happen. He grabbed my wrists and shoved me up against a wall, telling me over and over how useless and pathetic I was, how no one would ever want me and I should be grateful he was willing to put up with me. It was the only time he physically hurt me, but I wasn’t sticking around to let him do it again. I managed to get away and lock myself in the bathroom, and I called 9-1-1. When the police arrived, I left with them. I never went back.”
Jules struggled for control, the combination of fear, anger, and shame still fresh in her mind. Add to that her nerves from everything that had happened, and she was babbling, unable to filter her words. She’d never planned to tell Nik any of this, and now here she was, dumping the whole ugly tale. Would that change what he thought of her? Make her seem weak?
Nik was shaking his head, his lips pressed into a thin line as she finished. “What an absolute bastard. I’m sorry you went through that. You seem to have put your ex far behind you, though. You’ve moved on, and you have a daughter now.” Nik sounded impressed.
Her daughter.Hisdaughter. Ava was the best thing that had ever happened to her, her accidental miracle, fulfilling all her dreams of being a mother. She needed to tell Nik the truth, but the fear of how he would respond hung over her. What if he wanted nothing to do with Ava? Worse, what if he tried to take Ava away from her?
Fear made her shake harder. In some ways, if Nik denied Ava, it would make her life so much easier, but for Ava’s sake, Jules wanted her to have a father who loved her. She needed to impress on Nik how important Ava was. She pushed through her fears and told Nik her truth.
“Ava is my world.”
“And her father? Where does he fit in your world?” The desire and hunger at the root of the question was unmistakable, sending a corresponding flood of heat through her veins.
This was her chance. Now was when she should tell him that Ava was his, but the words wouldn’t come. “He’s not involved in her life. Or mine.”
At her words, Nik leaned closer, his breath hot against her skin. “Then he’s an idiot.” The anxiety caused by his closeness was entirely different from what she’d felt before, as the heat of desire raced through her. What was it about this man that set her on fire?
Nik’s lips brushed against her cheek, and Jules turned her head so that her mouth met his. His lips were warm and firm against hers, and when she stroked her tongue over his full lower lip, he groaned and leaned in closer.
Jules lifted a hand to his chest, sliding it under the lapel of his jacket until it rested over his heart. The heat radiating through his shirt warmed her chilled fingers, and the rapid beat of his pulse matched the rhythm of her own. She explored his mouth, her tongue sweeping over every curve and contour. He tasted of the wine he shared with her, a rich, tart flavour. His scent surrounded her, faintly spicy and all male. Nik was immobile under her touch, allowing her to take the lead, but his ragged breathing let her know he was as aroused as she was.
And she ached. Nik had been the last man who’d touched her, almost five years earlier. Desire heated her blood, and her skin felt tight. Every part of her was hypersensitive, and she wanted his hands all over her.
The sound of the door opening registered dimly, and applause sounded in the background. The sense of loss was physically painful as Nik broke the kiss. Jules looked over to find Meg standing in the doorway, a worried frown on her face. She noted that the auctioneer was wrapping up bidding on the final dream date in the main room as Meg stepped back through the door, closing it behind her.
“I forgot where we were.” Nik slipped her hand out of his jacket, feathering kisses along her knuckles before he released it. Each kiss sent little shocks dancing over her skin, and she wanted more.
“Take me upstairs,” she said impulsively. Even as the words tumbled out of her mouth, she wanted to reel them back, knowing this was a terrible idea. And yet she wanted one more night with him, to surrender to desire and become the woman she had never been with anyone except Nik.
Nik’s eyes searched hers; then he shook his head. “Not tonight. I want you, but tonight you’ve been through the emotional wringer. When you finally come back to my bed, I want it to be because there is no place else you want to be. I don’t want to be someone you use to block out the pain.” Regret and desire played across his face, but he was immoveable.
