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“It’s all right,malyshka. The things that are your foundation for sex and your sexuality were not laid by you. They are not your burden to carry. You didn’t do this for him. You are bare because of how pretty your cunt is and because everyone should see it.” That thick finger runs over swollen, sticky lower lips. “Sofuckingsexy.” He growls low in his chest. “But no one else will ever see this pretty cunt, or the price will be their life.”
His growl brings my head up in time to see him staring down at me as he sucks on his finger. “Your cunt is sweet as honey. Thank you for making me something so sweet. Such a good girl you are for your daddy.”
Pleasure courses through me for pleasing him. Aleksander is saying it again: he wants to be my daddy. Combined with his reassurance that the dirty thoughts weren’t mine alone, that I shouldn’t be ashamed of them. They are words I never thought I would hear from any man. Shame explodes violently within me like a bomb going off without warning. I’m unable to contain my tears.
Gradually I become aware of the rocking motion. I blink a few times and find I’m in Aleksander’s lap with his arms around me. He’s murmuring words in Russian. I don’t understand the words, yet they soothe me. We’re on the bed, Aleksander leaning against the headboard.
“What did he do to you,zhena?” The words are a whisper.
I don’t want to remember. Remember and feel that way that’s so wrong.
“I need to know.” Does he actually say the words, or do I feel them against my cheek?
“Not what everyone thought he did. He wanted a doll. A pretty doll he could dress up, and yes he could feel up but neverthere—it was dirty. In the dark he would come to me and make me feel his cock and rub him until he came all over me. Then the next day he would pretend he didn’t. I was his precious baby and he was my daddy. He loved me, he swore over and over. It was why I had to stay home with him all the time. He loved me so much he couldn’t let me leave the house because if others saw how pretty I was, they would try to take me from him.” I repeat the words from memory.
A short, succinct statement of facts. It covered enough for the person to get it was very fucked up, why I didn’t escape, and hopefully it would keep the person from asking any more questions. It was how I answered the question for the first few years after I was rescued from him.
“He never touched your cunny?”
I shudder. Why does he keep asking me questions?
“Zhena, did he touch inside your cunt?”
“No. It’s dirty.” I’m forcing the words out to get him to stop talking.
“Did you ever suck his cock?” He could be asking the time, there’s no hint of what the words are from his tone.
I shake my head.
“When did you want to suck his cock? How old were you when you wanted him to fuck you?”
Squeezing my eyes tight, I hate him for knowing.
“Was it one of the nights he came to you? Was it when he ran his hand over your breasts?”
I try to push away from him, he tightens his arms around me. “He told you when you loved him and you were big enough he would fuck you. He told you if you loved him then you would do it.”
How could he know? I stop fighting him.
His hand goes into my hair and pulls me back to meet gold. “It was to prepare you if he wanted to go a step farther. It had nothing to do with you. The sick fuck conditioned you to want to please him. From the moment you came to him, he was grooming you for all the things he wanted to do to you and you to do to him. It was all for him. Nothing he groomed you to want or need is wrong or dirty. There are women who are into what you are without a man touching them when they were a child. You are not alone. Not in what gives you pleasure and not in this life.”
“What’s the difference between grooming and—”
“Choice and manipulation. Grooming is when the person being groomed has no belief the person grooming them will accept their no. Manipulating someone unaware of the end result the manipulation of their trust in the person will bring. Their dependency or belief they’re safe with the person is a violation of the trust,” is his immediate response.
“Like what you’re doing keeping me here.”
One side of his beautifully molded mouth slides up. “It’s you not walking away you don’t have a choice in. I will never touch you unless you want me to. However, saying no when you want to say yes because you let fear stand in your way is far more a violation of who you are.”
He lowers his lips to mine, a gentle swipe of his lips over mine once, twice, god I love that sting of electricity so much.
No, I try to push away. “No. You don’t want me. You said it yourself, you married me because you owe me. Then you went away. No one wants me. No one. Not my mother or father or the first man who told me to call him daddy. He said he loved me and I would be his baby girl forever, but he lied. When I got too big he tried to sell me for another girl. Not even Ray stayed. Everyone goes away. Let me go, please just let me go.”
His arms tighten around me. “I’m not going anywhere and neither are you. I’m sorry I stayed away. I was trying to give you time to reconcile yourself to this being your life without me here. I thought you would prefer time alone. I’ll never leave you again.”
Closing my eyes, I focus on the solid, strong heartbeat beneath my ear, on the promise in his words.
CHAPTER15
