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I open the door to find George smiling ear to ear with a gift for the baby and the chocolates Phoenix loves. Milos is chuckling as I take the bag from him. I thank him and send him home.
“You don’t look so good. Celia was worried about you both. She sent me to check on you.”
Nodding, I open the door. “I listened to you guys. I swear I did. I read the books and talked to the doctor. I still wasn’t prepared for…” I snag the bassinet to bring it over to the seating area. Hoping Phoenix can’t hear us.
He looks the baby over. “He’s cute, looks like you. I was surprised you agreed to name him after you.”
I shrug. “I’m not in love with the idea. But it’s what she wants. I’ll get over the concern he’s going to feel he doesn’t have an identity separate from me.”
Milos picks him up. The baby snuffles and burrows into him. “Hmm, how about calling him Sasha and reserving Aleksander for formal occasions?”
Sasha is a common diminutive of Aleksander. My mother called me by it until I was ten. I study the baby.
“Or Zander? You went by it for a few years.” He reminds me
“It doesn’t sound so bad. I think it will fit him.” I nod.
“What’s going on with you?”
Sighing, I give in and admit my feelings while checking to make sure Phoenix was asleep.
“Ah, it’s not uncommon. I didn’t even think of holding the twins for the first day. All I cared about was Celia. The nurse is right though. Celia immediately picked up on it. When I admitted my lack of concern for them over her, she wasn’t happy. She plopped both of them in my arms and told me to get over it. Her pain over the last month and next few days or weeks or whatever was nothing compared to the pain she went through feeling like her dad didn’t love her. And she would be damned if she let me do the same to our kids.” He gets up and hands me the baby.
I wince at the idea of my kid thinking I didn’t want him. I’m now certain a part of her upset was my lack of connecting with the baby. Even if she couldn’t identify it, she felt it. He yawns wide and stretches. Dark blue, almost grey eyes, blink up at me curiously. Running a finger along his arm down to his hands, he surprises me by catching my finger and holding it tight. “I didn’t think babies did that so young.” I say the words to cover up the odd tug in my chest at how his tiny hand wraps around my finger.
“Evolution, to hold tight for fear of being dropped.” He chuckles. “At least you won’t have to worry about fighting him for your wife’s breasts. Celia thinks it’s a good thing.”
Shit. I blush. I don’t think I’ve blushed more than three times in my entire life.
His snort of laughter is so loud I check if it wakes Phoenix. “Lucky man. Just be careful. They get sore faster than either of you would like.”
“Is this like something everyone knows about? I’ve never even heard of it and I have both you and Mother…” I shake my head.
“People do it but no one likes admitting to it. Americans and their squeamishness when it comes to sex and pleasure. I’ll admit, we didn’t set out to do it. She had a clogged duct, painful as fuck. The nurse explained what to do. I helped her out, let’s just say the reason why the twins were breastfed for so long wasn’t for them.”
“It’s safe for her?” Fear of hurting her is high.
“Yes. As long as there’s not penetration and she feels good, go for it. It can be messy taking care of her clit but Celia once had an orgasm from me at her breast alone. She did once before she gave birth too, so if she hasn’t come from breast stimulation in the past she might not. Remember, when she’s breastfeeding, she’s feeling good overall. The oxytocin shit is real. There were a dozen times Celia needed it just to calm her anxiety. That doesn’t come from pumping.”
“If it will help her.” I murmur as I check she’s still sleeping.
“You will benefit as well. It’s freaky how calm I got. Better than a pill or a joint. A few times we were both out and asleep in minutes.”
“I guess I’m concerned it would make her feel as if she were taking care of me. I don’t want her feeling like that.” I admit.
He shrugs. “You might not want her to feel that but women love it. Not all day every day. Fuck that, she isn’t Mother. And no woman wants to be their partner’s mother. It’s about her feeling like she’s helping you, giving you comfort. The way she likes to bake for you.”
I consider it. “If she wants it, I’ll do it.”
He chuckles.
The sigh from Phoenix is loud, I turn to find her stretching with a grimace of pain. “Oh, hello.”
“Little sister, how are you feeling?”
“Good, thank you. And tell your chef he outdid himself today. Thank you for the food. The hospital food isn’t bad but it’s barely edible compared to your chef’s.”
“I will tell him. Good job on my nephew. Zander will grow big and strong, there is no doubt.”
