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“Those feelings have been there for decades–she’s kept them buried down deep, and I think you have ‘em too. But I see the way she looks at you too, and I think she’s worried you don’t want her at all now that you’ve gotten what you wanted.”
My face must have gone pale, because I felt the blood drain out when she gave me a pointed look. That was an awful accusation and something the old woman really didn’t need to be thinking about.
“I’m old, but I’m no fool, and I’m certainly not blind–not yet. That girl’s been betrayed and abandoned before, Beckman. It’s what made her who she is, and she’s devoted her whole heart to work because it will never let her down.”
I sank down to the deck, my butt hitting the boards, my elbows resting over my knees as I tried to absorb the impact of her words.
“Now you have to prove to her you won’t leave once you feel she’s sufficiently settled with Daniela.”
I cut the old woman a sharp look. “I would n–”
“Hush.” She set a hand on top of my head. “I didn’t say you would, but I think she feels that way–worries about it. She’s a handful, that one, and you have your work cut out for you. You’ve gone a long way in proving to her that you’re a good man, but she’s going to be looking for signs you’re getting twitchy. She might invent hurts where there are none intended, just to protect her heart.”
She took her hand back and leaned into the back of the chair.
“Madelyn’s an old dog.” She chuckled. “This is a whole new set of tricks for her to learn and she might not take to them real quick. Just keep doing what you’re doing–anddon’tlet her push you away.”
Like hell I would.
“You know something I don’t?” I asked slowly. “I’d appreciate any helpful information; she’s a tough one to win over, but I’ll do whatever it takes.”
The old woman smiled at me.
“You’ll earn it,” was all she said, patting the top of my head like I was a dog.
Well, at least she wasn’t patting my butt.
Something pulled my attention across the yard, to where Steve was introducing Daniela to the partially-constructed playset and Madelyn was hovering, and I watched for a moment, smiling.This is my life.Then Madelyn turned her head, as if she could feel me watching her, and gave me a heartbreaking smile.
Now she has Daniela; she won’t need you much longer.
That was a sobering, terrifying thought. She wouldn’t do that, would she?
That thought deflated the happy bubble I’d been living in for weeks, like a dart to a balloon: instantaneous and devastating, and I spent the rest of the evening trying to keep a happy face on what should have been another of the happiest days of my life, because despite Grams’s encouragement, something felt ominous and foreboding. A heralding of the end.
Settling into a routine over the following weeks was harder than either of us had expected.
I was fortunate to have a pretty regular schedule, thanks to the fact we were finally fully staffed, and I didn’t tell Madelyn, but I was giving consideration to selling my place. It demonstrated how serious I was about us, or so I thought, and I wanted to be able to contribute more to our expenses without the drain of a mortgage payment on another home.
After a few weeks of settling in, Madelyn took a couple overnight jobs somewhat locally. All she could tell me was that Katsaros had secured a contract in New York City, providing security to a couple diplomats. I left it at that, aware she couldn’t tell me more, but also afraid that if she told me more I’d never sleep again.
Daniela settled into the routine faster than we did, and oftentimes during the night I woke when Madelyn crept from our bed to check on the baby. We’d kept her in the bassinet in our room the first few nights, but she was a wild sleeper and clearly didn’t have enough room, so we moved her to her own room and her crib. That meant I set up the complicated baby surveillance system immediately and Madelyn could be found glued to the monitor until she could no longer keep her eyes open.
If anything, being a new mom probably made her a bit neurotic for a while. It wasn’t Daniela’s fault, because it wasn’t lack of sleep. It was just that everything Madelyn did had to be done perfectly, and she was her own harshest critic. No matter what it was, she was always convinced she could have done better and I could see her driving herself crazy with it.
Though Daniela typically only woke once a night, Madelyn was on edge, easily startled, dropping off into a light, troubled sleep the instant her head hit the pillow. Because of that I tried to give her space, careful not to push too hard, holding her close when she let me but waiting for her to initiate intimacy–which she didn’t.
I didn’t ask whether it was the stress of becoming a caregiver, or her job, or the difficulty of maintaining a balance between the two. Her job gave her a lot more freedom than most, but when she was away from home she had to be all in, and I knew she was having a hard time doing that now that Daniela was constantly on her mind.
Whether or not I was on her mind was a question that nagged at me, and it was Hailey who could tell I was having my own hard time adjusting to getting everything I wanted all at once.
“Give it time, Adam,” she admonished early one Tuesday morning. She’d arrived before six to watch Daniela while I was at work, as Madelyn and I couldn’t always coordinate when she had to leave for work–sometimes at a moment’s notice–and there were times I couldn’t be there to watch my own daughter. It made me feel incredibly guilty.
“Adjusting to parenthood is difficult on the father and the mother, and surprisingly a number of the reasons are the same. You’re adjusting to a new sleep schedule, trying to balance your careers, and sex goes out the window.” She barked a short, humorless laugh. “Not that it’s something anyone tells you, but whether you’ve been sent home from the hospital with an infant or you’ve taken a foster child home, there’s an adjustment period that’s incredibly difficult on every couple. However, if you’re both in it for the right reasons, you will find your way through it. Just keep open the lines of communication. Be gentle and patient and kind. There will be days you feel like everything’s broken and can’t be repaired, but give each other some leniency and a lot of hugs.”
I sighed. I wasn’t sure I wanted relationship advice from my stepmother, probably one of two people best qualified to give it to me, given the similarity of our situations, some decades removed.
“You and Dad didn’t…ah…” I poured a mug of coffee, grimacing, not sure I wanted an answer to the question that had just formed in my mind.
