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“Suffer a few intimacy issues because I had to adjust to an instant family and a little boy who desperately needed a mother?” She grinned, aware I was completely uncomfortable with this. “Yeah. You could say we went through a spell…” Her chuckle was almost evil, something I’d never heard from Hailey.
The sound of Daniela’s movements as she woke, on the baby monitor I’d carried out into the kitchen, arrested my attention and Hailey smiled gently. “She’ll settle, just relax. Give her time, patience, and love–that’s the most important, Adam.”
I couldn’t be sure whether she was talking about the baby or my wife, but I tried to draw in a deep breath, pouring some half and half into the coffee.
The truth was that I’d thought I had a pretty good read on Madelyn until the last few weeks. She’d been cagey, exhausted and stressed lately, and I was pretty sure not all of it had to do with home life. In fact, a lot of it was definitely external.
The problem was that even if she could talk to me about it, she wasn’t.
My shift was rough that day. I lost a patient in the air, despite my best attempts, long before we could get her to the hospital, where I could get her the extra help she needed.
I stopped on the way home and picked up a bottle of whiskey. It was something Madelyn didn’t keep in the house. I mean, I kept some…in the other house…for medicinal purposes. But I knew better than to hit that medicine too hard, especially since one side of my lineage had serious addiction problems. I didn’t need to be that guy: a statistic. But that afternoon, I was having a really hard time. I hadn’t lost a patient in a very, very long time and that loss had been particularly difficult, since I saw the dog tags hanging out of her shirt. She couldn’t have been more than twenty-three years old and she’d overdosed, out in the middle of nowhere, something her boyfriend had called in.
She was gone when we picked her up from the remote outpost, I knew that from her vital signs. But still, I tried. I administered the NARCAN and tried to resuscitate her, but even I’d known we were long, long minutes too late–and still I blamed myself.
Should have gotten there earlier.
Should have started with the NARCAN, even before I took her pulse.
Should have started resuscitation on the ground, instead of waiting until we were in the helicopter, even if it took less than a minute.
Madelyn was sitting at the island when I got home, her head down, a coffee cup and a whiskey bottle sitting on the marble top, and Hailey shook her head at me in warning.
My girl had as bad a day as me, if not worse, and I slid onto the chair next to her and carefully, gently put my arms around her, pulling her closer. I needed to feel the warmth of her body against mine, to know that she was ok, even before I walked to the playpen to check on the baby. That was something I did out of instinct, and would have done first if I hadn’t felt Madelyn needed something.
“Thanks, Ma.” I nodded at Hailey. “You’ve pulled a long day.”
Nodding at the brown paper bag I’d set on the island, I mouthed, “Take it,” with a wink, and she rolled her eyes at me.
I knew better. She was a Quaker at heart, and the fact Dad still drank meant he only drank with me.
It did occur to me that I hadn’t often referred to her as my mother, though she was the only one I really remembered, my mother for almost forty-two years.
“Mom.”
She turned halfway to the door as I stood, leaving Madelyn to hold herself upright. She was capable, and there was something I needed to do.
“Thank you.” I leaned in to hug her, because this was about so much more than the fact that she selflessly watched Daniela whenever we needed a third parent. “You’ve made all the difference to me.”
I wasn’t usually so straightforward with her and Hailey convulsed a little in my arms, something that felt like a tiny sob, and I folded her tighter, kissing the top of her head.
I hadn’t given her a lot of recognition over the years. I’d been pretty hard on her, really, teasing and waving her off…though she’d always been there, ready to listen and encourage, and although it had taken me a very, very long time, I finally realized what a strong, stabilizing, encouraging influence she’d been in my life.
“You saved me from a lot of things.” I squeezed tighter. “Thank you for caring so much, because now I know how to be a decent man–you taught me all the things I needed to know.”
Forty-fucking-five years old, almost forty-six, and I’d just figured this shit out.
“Love you, Adam.” She made a choking noise, and I had to chuckle when I realized Hailey was about as good at expressing emotions as I was. “You’ve always been an easy kid to love.”
I doubted that was true, but it was generous of her to say, and I gave an extra little squeeze before letting her go.
Hailey cleared her throat and ran a hand through her slowly-silvering blonde hair as she looked toward Madelyn, who was again face-down on the island countertop.
“The two of you will face many hardships. If you lean on each other, the burden is less. Just ask me how I know.” Her left eyebrow lifted upward and something hitched in my heart, because I knew she was telling me just how much she loved my dad. For all those years, despite the hole left in my heart that I couldn’t even remember forming, I knew that was what I’d always wanted for him.
I kissed the top of Hailey’s head and she lifted up on her toes to kiss my cheek. It was unusual for her; she was even less physically demonstrative than me, cautious and sparing in her tender demonstrations.
She nodded toward Madelyn’s form and said quietly, “She and I have a few things in common. It will take patience and tenderness, but you’re the man for it.”
