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My thoughts did hit Fawn then. Again, too many thoughts happening in this bed. Fact of the matter was, the best thing I could have done for her was let her go. I’d made a lot of poor decisions when it came to my life lately, but one wasn’t cutting things off with her. It’d been the right thing.
It’d been the only one I’d actually done right.
Fawn did fulfill more than one thing for me this semester. She allowed me to be in denial and even entertain a reality in which she and I actually had a chance. For an iota of a second, I’d actually considered it, but then I remembered what I was to her. I wasn’t the good guy.
And bad people didn’t get good things.
I spared her from a reality of bullshit, my shit, and after she found out about all of it, us being something would have never happened anyway.
My chest locked in front of my friend, and barking at him did exactly what I wanted. Pushing off my bed, Dorian mentioned he was heading out, heading home. It seemed his own family wanted to go shopping, and he was using the time as an opportunity to get something for Sloane. They always were together, and he hadn’t had time to get her something yet.
I said nothing in response, watching him shake his head again. He started to close the door, but then I lowered my book.
“Can you come over for dinner tonight?” I asked but couldn’t face him. I stared at the book’s cover. “I already texted Thatcher and Wells.”
I did between them calling me the fucking Grinch, then quickly tossed my phone someplace where I couldn’t see the alerts.
“You sure? Aren’t you and the fam having a big dinner with the kid tonight?”
The kid was Bru, and though he was the same age as Thatcher and Wells, that was what we called him. I gave him the name in high school. I looked up. “Yeah, but I want you guys there. You wanted me to be social, right? Well, I’m being fucking social and asking you to hang.”
I needed them all here, my buddies. I had something to say at the dinner table tonight, and I needed their support.
Just say yes. Fuck.
If he said anything else, I didn’t know what I’d do. I did need him, but I wasn’t brave enough to say or push harder.
Dorian’s nod was subtle. “Sure. Just text me when.”
He had no reason to do anything I’d asked of him. I’d been treating him and my other buddies equally like shit lately. I did when I was going through it.
Swallowing, I mumbled a thanks to my friend. He studied me for a moment, and I was afraid he’d ask why I wanted him and the guys to come over. I was afraid he’dpoke,but in the end, he didn’t. He just left me to my own devices, and I sat on that bed, again with more thoughts. I felt like they’d rip me apart, and I think the only thing that kept me from collapsing beneath them was the text I got. It came from my brother, and I had to get my shit together.
Bru:Hey. You home?
I was and attempted to get out of the bullshit in my head. I scrubbed my face.
Me:Yeah. What’s up? Aren’t you supposed to be in the air?
If he was, he obviously shouldn’t be texting.
Bru:No, I’m in town. Caught an early flight.
Which meant he needed a ride from the airport.
Really making myself get my shit together now, I got off the bed. I couldn’t let him see me this way. I was supposed to be the older brother and taking care of him.
Calm down.
I was prone to panic attacks, and I’d had more than my fair share when my sister had been gone and I’d basically hated my existence. I’d had a series of so much head shit before she came back, and because I had, I knew when I was going down a dark hole.
Calm. Down.
I had to, important. I couldn’t break. Not when things were about to change and I needed to be the strong one in my family. I had to take care of everyone. I had to be their reason for stability. I’d done the opposite for so long when it came to my friends and parents. I was the topic of worry.
I was the reason for breaking my folks.
My parents were strong as fuck,stableas fuck. They were a united front of strength with equal parts love. They created a harmony in this house, and overcompensated for me, the darkness in this house. I had been the darkness for a time, and I’d never forget how the stress and strain of it had affected my parents. It was something the world probably never saw. They kept that shit locked up and behind the beautiful walls they provided for me. Theycreated wallsfor me and shielded me from the world. Meanwhile, they themselves were going through it, but they never, not once, let people see.
