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Addison
Five years ago
Iknow I should stop this. My belly aches with this disgust. I hate myself for it.
For using Tyler as a distraction.
We go out every day, taking pictures of all sorts of things. The project is over, but he keeps asking if I want to go. And I never tell him no.
It’s better than going back to the Brauns’ place.
“Let’s go over there,” Tyler says and points toward a run-down path in the woods behind the park. We’re at the far end of the park and I know this area. In front of us is the creek and if we go left and walk half a mile or so, we’ll end up at the highway line and can follow that back to the parking lot. There are running trails along the way too. Although I don’t like to run. I just walk and take pictures. I like doing that with Tyler.
One step to follow him. Two steps and he reaches for my hand.
I slip mine inside of his and he squeezes tight when he holds it. It’s a little thing, but he really holds my hand like he means it. And that sick feeling in my stomach feels like nothing compared to the bittersweet sensation in my heart. I’m not sure if it’s really pain or what it is.
I want more of it though.
A part of me knows it’s selfish. That part’s quiet as fallen branches crack beneath our weight and we stop at a clearing on the edge of the creek.
“It’s beautiful,” I whisper, staring out at the bubbling brook. It’s the softest shade of blue although it gets darker where it’s deeper.
“Like you,” he says and gives me a charming smile. When he lets go of my hand to take his jacket off and lays it on the ground, those feelings mix, and the resulting brew is something I don’t know how to handle.
But Tyler knows my secrets, and he’s seen me in those moments I wish I didn’t have. The ones where I cry and sometimes it’s hard to know what’s caused the outburst.
I swear I used to be happy. I used to be normal. But I’ll never be normal again.
Although Tyler’s jacket is laid flat, he sits next to it in the dirt and beckons me, patting the fabric and looking up at me with big puppy dog eyes. He doesn’t ask much of me, but I can’t help feeling like today may be different.
My shoulders hunch in a little as I sit down and tuck my hair behind my ear.
It takes everything in me to look at him. To look at Tyler and try to gauge his intention.
“Do you want to sleep with me?” I ask him bluntly.
He lets out a bark of a laugh and rests his forearms on his knees as he looks out onto the creek. Looking back at me he answers, “I read once, I think in a biology book, that teenage guys are horny as fuck.”
I can’t help the smile that cracks on my face at his joke. That’s the way Tyler handled anything serious. He’d just make a joke and deflect.
“Seriously though,” I say then wipe the palms of my hands on my knees instead of looking at him as I continue, “I don’t get why you keep coming out with me.”
He shrugs. “I like spending time with you,” he tells me.
“So you don’t want to get into my pants.”
“I definitely want to fuck you.”
I’m shocked by his candor. Tyler’s … careful around me. I feel like he considers each word carefully before speaking to me. Like if he says the wrong thing, I’d run. And that’s not too far from the truth.
“You haven’t tried anything … though.”
“Don’t confuse my patience for a lack of interest.” The second the words slip from him, Tyler lets out a genuine laugh. “Of all the dirty things I could say, that’s what gets you to blush?”
It’s only then that I feel the heat in my cheeks. It matches other places too.
Minutes pass with both of us taking small glances at each other, watching the sunset descend behind the forest with shades of orange and red in the clear blue sky. He even tosses a few twigs and rocks into the creek. He tries to skip them, but he’s not very good at it.
