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I want him back instantly. I want him to hold me. There’s a part of me that knows it’s weak and pathetic to feel this desperate need for someone else. But deep inside I know I’d live my life happily being weak and pathetic for him. Isn’t he weak for me just the same?
Sniffling and wiping at my face, I somehow get up, bracing myself against the counter and reaching for the faucet. My face is hot and I can still hardly breathe.
I don’t think you ever get over the death of someone who’s taken up space in your soul. It isn’t possible. There are only moments when you remember that you’re a pale imitation of what you could be if they were still with you. And those moments hurt more than anything else in this world.
As I turn off the faucet, I swear I hear something behind me and I whip around, a chill flowing over my skin and leaving goosebumps in its wake.
It takes every ounce of strength in me to lower myself to the ground, although my eyes stay on the skinny hallway where the noise came from.
It’s silent as I pick up the phone, barely breathing, and quickly message Daniel.Are you here now?
It was a long time ago. I promise you. I wasn’t well. I’m sorry.
I stare at his answer, feeling a chill flow over my skin and the hairs on the back of my neck raise.
So it’s not you?I will myself to keep my eyes on the hallway, my back to the counter as I type. I can barely breathe.
Someone there?
I don’t answer him and a series of texts come through. Ping. Ping. Ping. Each another sound that echoes down the hall.
Without looking at the messages I text,I’m fine.
His answer comes through before I look back to the hall.I’m coming over.
At his response I push forward, forcing myself to walk down the hall and to the loft bedroom. There’s only one door and I push it open, telling myself it’s nothing as the phone pings in my hand again.
It pings again as I take in the bedroom, cautiously stepping forward until I see a picture has fallen from the collage on the far side of the room.
My phone pings a third time and I can finally breathe. It’s only a photo that’s fallen.
I read his latest textand roll my eyes.Answer me.
My heart nearly jumps out of my chest as the phone rings and I drop it on the floor. It takes the entire time it’s ringing for me to catch my breath and when I do I pick up the phone to text him.It was only a picture falling.
I’m on my way.
Don’t come here, I text back while I’m still on the floor and I hope he can feel the anger that’s still there. I add,I don’t want you here.
It hurts me to tell him that. Partly because it’s a lie. It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours and I can already see myself forgiving him.
Addison please. Don’t shut me out.
It took us long enough to admit what we needed.
I miss you. I need you.
If you’re scared I need to be there.
With the fear and regret and everything else that’s tortured me today, I just want to give in to him after reading his rapid-fire texts. But I won’t.
I just need sleep, I reply and then add,Don’t come.
Please forgive me, he finally texts and I can’t respond right now, so I shut the phone off and fall onto the bed. I don’t know how long I stare at the wall or at what point I decide I have enough energy to clean up the fallen picture, but I know it’s longer than I’d like.
The command tape is stuck to the wall this time. I swear I’ll never use it again.
Just like I’ll never let myself give in to Daniel again.
