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“I’m sorry,” I say, the words whispered from my lips and Dean stiffens beside me. It’s the first time I really look up at him.
His hair’s disheveled and his eyes are narrowed and deadly. I should be scared of him, but all I can do is cling to his side.
“You didn’t do anything.” His t-shirt seems to tighten around his broad shoulders, the cotton stretching as he takes a heavy breath.
But didn’t I? The pain and regret all mix with everything else. It’s a whirlwind of chaos.
Right there beside us is the undeniable and crushing truth that I’ve brought Dean into this. I led him here. The one person who made me question it.
My heart stutters in my chest, refusing to believe this is real and not wanting to admit any of this. I just want to go back to that night in the hotel room and tell him everything. I want to beg for his forgiveness. To let him walk away and save him.
It’s too late.
The whisper hangs between us as I say, “What have I done?”
“You were fighting him,” Dean says and struggles to control his breathing. I can feel his eyes piercing into me but I can’t look him in the eyes. “You were fighting him and screaming,” he repeats.
I nod my head.
“He was hurting you.” His voice cracks on the last word.
I finally look up at him with tears welling in my eyes. The pain has apparently won. Of all things, pain is the most damaging. “He was trying to…” The words are slow, achingly slow and the worst word of all stays trapped in the back of my throat.
I’m going to be sick.
My stomach churns and I try to stand but my head’s foggy and I slip backward, almost touching the dead body.
With the image of him pushing me down, I try to get away and Dean’s there, holding me, pulling me away from the nonexistent threat.This wasn’t supposed to happen.
“I’m here,” he whispers and holds me as the faint sound of a siren in the distance sneaks in through the broken front door. “It’s okay.”
“Dean, it’s not okay.” I look into his eyes as I speak and I’m so wounded. None of this is okay. It hasn’t been. But it wasn’t supposed to become this. This isn’t right.
What have I done?Please, I just want to take it back.
My heart pounds in my chest. The fear is crippling.
“No.” The word bubbles from my lips repeatedly as the reality hits me. There’s no way I could have known this is what would happen. I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t know and I didn’t want this.
“It’s okay. You’re okay,” Dean keeps saying even over the sound of the sirens growing louder by the minute. As if anything could be okay.
“You don’t understand,” I plead with him to listen but my throat is scratchy, and I hiccup over my words. “I’m so sorry,” I whimper, covering my face as the tears pour from me.
“Stop saying you’re sorry!” Dean yells as he grips my shoulders, forcing me to face him. His strong hands pin me where he wants me with a force that almost makes me collapse. If I did, I’d collapse into his arms. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” he says and his voice is full of sympathy, but so much more than that too. He keeps saying that but he doesn’t know the truth.
“You don’t understand,” I say, the words full of agony as I remember Samantha’s broad smile. She was so beautiful. So full of life and happiness. It’s a smile that will only live in my memory. I’ve let everyone down. Everyone I ever loved. Sam.Dean.
“Did you want him to do that?” Dean questions with hate, with denial, with jealousy in his eyes and I shake my head furiously.
“Never,” I tell him quickly. “I didn’t. I swear.”
“Then stop it!” he commands me. He doesn’t understand.
“I knew he would,” I say, the words coming out strained. “When I let him in—” It’s only a part of a confession and it’s cut off by Dean’s fingers digging into my arms as he shakes me slightly.
My cheeks feel hot as the tears stain them.
“He’s responsible for what he did, Allie,” Dean tells me, his eyes piercing into my own. “I won’t have you say any differently.” The sirens are louder now, almost deafening.
