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When I wake up an undetermined amount of time later, I’m not surprised to see Justin watching me. Maybe it was the feeling of his eyes on me that pulled me back to consciousness. We’ve changed positions again, so I’m draped across his chest. His fingers are trailing secrets up and down my spine, as soft as a whisper and as gentle as a father with his newborn babe.
I don't know how I feel after what's happened the past couple of hours. I only know the truth that no matter what, Justin won't judge me.
He’s elevated with pillows behind his back. Not a lot, but enough that he’s looking down on me where my head rests against his torso.
I can see the thoughts whipping around behind his eyes. The questions he wants to ask. The disgustingly sappy, deliciously corny declarations he wants to make.
My stay of execution is over. Time to face the hangman.
When I attempt to sit up, however, he flattens his hand in the middle of my back and keeps me firm against him.
“Not yet,” he whispers.
His other hand reaches out, and he drags his fingers down my face before cupping my cheek in his palm. I can’t help myself. I link my arms around his middle and squeeze, leaning into his touch until he’s cradling my entire face in his hand.
I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve them.Him.
But I want him, and I’m tired of denying what I want.
Maybe, if I devote myself to it for the rest of my life, one day, I’ll be worthy of this type of love.
“We’ll go back to the real world soon enough, but not yet. There are things we need to talk about first. Things between me and you. Without Julia."
I swallow back the tightness in my throat and lick my lips in a failed attempt to bring some moisture back to my mouth.
"Okay."
Fear tastes like anticipation pooling in the pit of my stomach. He hasn't kicked me out yet, so I have no reason to fear he will now, but he and Julia don’t keep secrets. So I can only imagine that anything he wants to talk about without her is either very good, or very,verybad.
I pull my arms back so they're no longer around him, tucking them under my chin instead. I’d rather be on my feet, but maybe the position of vulnerability is part of my penance.
His eyes flash like a thunderstorm.
"Have you been with anybody else?"
The thought is so ludicrous I almost laugh. It’s on the tip of my tongue to do so. My lips are already pointed in that direction. That’s—
"No!" I insist. I shake my head vehemently, pulling my knees underneath me in preparation to sit up. "No. I haven't. I haven’t even kissed anyone. The two times I went out on a date was with the same woman, and I left after a few minutes each time. And that was only because…" I swallow down my nerves. "I was only trying to do what was expected of me. Trying to be the good son. I don’t want anyone but you guys, Justin. I haven't, not since that first kiss."
Justin closes his eyes, and his chest expands in an explosive exhale. His hand trails up my arm and over my shoulder. His fingers curl around my throat.
"The kink club?" he prompts, spearing me again with his penetrating gaze.
"Last night was the first time." I trip over my tongue, trying to get the words out. "I paid for a year’s membership a couple of weeks ago, but I've only ever watched."
He gives me a dry look, and I blush at the silent reprobation.
"Up until last night."
When he releases my throat, I wilt slightly at the loss of contact. Iwantto be at his mercy. I crave it like oxygen.
He runs his hand through his hair and pushes further into a sitting position. It jostles me down his lap some, so I mimic the motion and push myself upright. Justin pulls his bottom lip between his teeth, and I watch the movement with hungry eyes.
Like the prey watches the hunter.
“Come here,” he says and pats his lap. He’s wearing as much clothing as I am, meaning nothing but a pair of blue boxer briefs that have ridden up in his sleep, showing an impressive expanse of muscle covered by a thin layer of hair. My eyes flick to the slight bulge between his legs, but that’s as much as I move.
I'm touch starved and desperate. I'm not sure how much control I'll have straddling Justin's body. But I know I can't go there before everything is out on the table.
