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It's not just about him and me.
We need Julia.
Then he growls “now,” in a raspy command, and I’ve reacted before I’ve consciously thought about it.
I’m on my hands and knees, moving the few inches required before I come to the decision to do so. My knee swings over his leg and I lower my still smarting backside onto his lap. His arms come up around me, his hands gripping hard on my hips.
“Why?” he asks, and I don’t pretend to not understand him. This isn’t how I wanted to have this conversation. I’m naked, or near enough. It’s too soon. I’m not ready for this. But—
He knows me too well. He knows me better than anyone. Justin’s left-hand rises to cup my face. Offering me his silent guidance.
“Think of this as your confessional, love. What we say here will stay here, between you and me, unless you want her to know.”
Julia.
“I didn’t tell her where I was going. I didn’t tell her when I got home. As it stands, all Julia knows about last night is Bethany called and needed me to help get them out of trouble.”
He adjusts his legs, settling me on top of him. With a sigh, he leans his forehead against mine. I rest my hands on the smooth skin of his sides.
“Lord knows I love you, Remi. This would have been so much easier if I didn’t. I love you more than I can put into words. But I need to know what you think you were doing last night.”
He pulls back just enough to look in my eyes. Fear zips through me when I feel his skin leave mine. Fear that he’ll leave. Fear that he’ll ask me to go. My hands slide around his back in a death grip, holding on for dear life. His thumb runs across my cheek in reassurance.
“Why, Remi?Whydid you go to that man?Whatwas it you were looking for?”
My next inhale is a shuddering gasp.
Confess, and you will find absolution.
“Shouldn’t we be on the patio for this?”
It comes out as a whisper.
“If you want,” he offers.
I shake my head. I don’t.
“I love you too, Justin.”
It gets easier every time I admit it out loud. Three words that on their own are utterly inconsequential but spoken together mean everything.
“You changed me.Ruinedme. You both did, for the better. But you…”
Why is this so hard to say? It should be easy, but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. For what I’m sure won’t be the last time, I envy Justin and how easy everything comes to him.
Hate him a little bit for it too.
I close my eyes so I don’t have to look at him. He pulls me closer so we’re chest to chest. I tower over him like this.
It helps. I have the comfort of his strength without having to see his expression.
“Under your touch was the first time I really felt cared for. Loved. I love the way you make me feel. Ilovethe things you said to me when I was tied to this bed. Never before have I felt so…” I shake my head again, looking for the right word. “Protected.”
I can’t help the little bemused smile that slips on my face. I open my eyes to see him watching me with a pained expression.
“Isn’t that weird?” I chuckle. “Tied up, unable to see, unable to move, stripped bare in the rawest of ways imaginable, and it’s the safest I’ve ever felt. I wanted that again. I thought I’d never have it. Knew I certainly didn’t deserve it.” I shrug helplessly. “So, I went looking for the closest thing I could. With my eyes closed and my back towards them, I could pretend it was you.”
Justin shakes his head.
