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"That's not what last night was, love." His voice is pulled tight as a vice. "You didn't search out someone who would give you pleasure. Tell me the truth, or this stops right here."
The truth.
What is the truth?
Why is it so hard to admit to yourself, let alone another person?
"I deserve it," I finally admit in a hard voice. "I deserved to be punished for what I've done. I destroyed what I had with you, then quit my job anyway. I wasn’t strong enough to stand up to my father but still wasn't good enough as a son. I'm not a good enough man, for anyone. I wanted to suffer but wasn’t man enough to end my misery."
Tears are silently sliding down his face now, so I lift my hands to wipe them away for him.
Ironic, really, since for the first time in months, I don’t feel the need to cry.
"Suicide by cop," he whispers.
Was that what I was doing?
“Then you showed up,” I rub at that spot in my chest. The spot that aches whenever I think about JJ. “No questions asked. I’d treated you abominably. Broken the spirit of the person you love the most, yet still, there you were, as always, protecting me from myself." I scoff. "Some days it’s a full-time job," I say ruefully. “Sorry about that.”
Justin’s laugh is watery.
“Always.” His breathing is broken and quaking as he nods like a mad man. “I’ll always protect you, Remi. Always.”
When he links his arm around my lower back and behind my neck, dragging me closer still, I forget about all the pain. I forget that I’ve been so very lonely and that my lower half is covered in welts. All I feel is his heart thundering against my chest and my own struggling to chase it.
I’m ready when he kisses me. I’m already leaning halfway, mouth parted to receive him. It’s like the first breath of oxygen after breaking through the water. I thought I knew what I’d been missing. But I must not have remembered properly, or maybe, his kiss feels so good because I’ve been so long without. Either way, when his tongue tangles with mine and his breath washes over my face, it’s the happiest I’ve been in months.
“Never again,” he commands without taking his lips from mine. “Never again do you try anything like that, do you hear me?! Never again, Remington.”
He drags his fingers through my hair, letting his nails scratch over my scalp, and I keen with pent-up desire.
“Never again,” I agree, leaning forward with an arm around his neck, trying to pull him closer. Trying to climb inside him.
He licks inside my mouth with vigor, palming my ass.
“From now on, anything you need, you come to me.”
“Only you,” I promise him, sucking on his tongue.
“After the holidays, you start therapy.”
That one pulls me back, and I try to catch my breath while looking into his eyes. They’re a roiling blue, like the ocean at sunrise.
“It’s my only stipulation,” he says, and from the depth of his voice, I can tell he means it. “You don’t even have to tell Julia you’re going. But Rem, I was so scared.”
He places both hands on my face and squeezes so hard he’s basically shaking me.
“I was so scared when I got that call, Rem. Then seeing you like that…baby—” His horror is obvious as it flashes across his face. Another tear slips over his cheek. Both of us ignore it. “I love you. I love you. I. Love. You. But you need help that a flogger can’t give you. If you want back in this bed, then I need you to take care of yourself. Because there’s only so much I can do. You have to do the rest yourself.”
I—
I’m so broken.
“Okay,” I agree shaking my head, before I can talk myself out of it. “Yeah. At least for a little while. I can do that. I can prove to you that I belong here.”
“No,” Justin snaps, shaking his head. He digs his fingers into my flesh. “Thatis why you need to talk to someone, love. Because the only person who thinks you don’t belong with us is you.”
—and isn’t that the crux of the problem?
