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“Guess it’s time for a walk, isn’t it?”
Bella yips. She wiggles in my arms until I set her down on the ground again. As soon as her paws hit the carpet, she’s sprinting for the stairs and making her way to the front door.
Sighing, I pull on a T-shirt and find some socks. When I’m booted up and I’ve got a leash on Bella, I step outside.
Autumn is in the air, crisp and expectant. It’s probably too cold for short sleeves, but the thought of going back into my house and up to the bedroom to grab a jacket just isn’t possible right now. I’ll see the mussed sheets on the empty bed, and I’ll have to admit that Georgia’s gone.
Again.
For good.
Bella sniffs at some bushes and a lamppost, then prances down the sidewalk in the direction of the nearest park where she can run off-leash. She freezes at the sight of a squirrel, body trembling with anticipation, but lets the beast scramble up a tree trunk with a magnanimous huff of dismissal.
If I keep my attention on my dog, I don’t have to think about the dark pit of despair yawning open in my stomach. I don’t have to admit the truth about what just happened between Georgia and me: that from the start, we’ve been on different pages.
Love must mean something different to her.
To me, loving her is the end. That’s it. Game over. To her… I’m not sure what it means to her. Maybe it’s a fun distraction from all the wonderful, ambitious things she wants to do with her life. Loving me is a season to her, while to me, loving her is my entire life. Always has been.
This summer has been the best of my life. I haven’t felt this energized, this driven, thishappy…ever. I should have known it would end.
Bella finds the perfect bush to pee on, then swaggers away from it like she just solved world hunger. If only life were that simple.
Maybe Bella and I can find somewhere new to start over. Not Clare, not Heart’s Cove…somewhere fresh, where there’s no tangled history. Somewhere people won’t bother me, where I can see the horizon stretching in every direction and smell the rain coming from miles away.
As I unclip Bella’s leash and let her zoom around the small dog park at the end of my street, I lean against the hip-high chain link fence and let my mind take me to that new place. It would be peaceful. There’d be no woman to drive me crazy, no drama, no rejection.
I could build my own house, one that isn’t tainted by my father’s temper. I could forget about all the people that have hurt me.
I’d never be reminded that I’m not good enough. I wouldn’t have to face the reality that I’m just a worthless, failed, wannabe cowboy who hasn’t done one thing right in his entire, wretched life, apart from raising my daughter.
No, I’d be somewhere new, where no one knows me. I’d exorcise the ghosts from my past and finally let the candle I’ve held for Georgia burn out. I’d probably end up satisfied, but not totally happy. Eventually, I might meet a woman who can tolerate me.
It might be okay. That life doesn’t excite me, but it’s better than what I feel right now.
Earlier, when Christine told me she was going to put an offer on my old family home, there was a moment where I allowed myself to imagine it—to visualize what could be. It only lasted a second or two, but I could see that life exactly how I’d pictured it a couple of decades ago: the sunset visible through the branches of our big oak tree, sipping a beer on the back porch with Georgia by my side, stretched out on the wicker two-seater with her legs in my lap. I’d rub the arch of her foot and smile when she moaned. We’d be content to sit in silence until the sun disappeared and the stars winked above. Then I’d take her to the big bedroom on the far side of the house, and I’d make love to her again and again until sleep claimed us both.
It’s a pretty image. A teenage boy’s vision of what a happy life looks like.
I clench my jaw.
The problem with that vision—the oak tree and the sunset and Georgia—is that what I want haschanged.
I don’t want Georgia living a small life because I’m too scared to break the chains my childhood wrapped around me. I don’t want to ask her to shrink herself for me. I want to see her radiant in a deep blue gown, her arm hooked around mine, while we walk around her gallery and greet everyone in town. I want to see that line between her brows when she stares at her computer too long, trying to figure out a thorny business problem. I want to listen to her dreams and be the man to make them come to life.
Then, I want to strip her naked and watch her come apart in my bed, giving me that precious trust, power, and control that she holds so dear in all other aspects of her life.
That’s the real Georgia. She’s the one I want.
I may not be good enough for Georgia, but I made a vow. I told her I wasn’t going to let her go, ever. I told her what was in my heart, and I showed her how much she meant to me. I love her.
We belong to each other. She chanted it in my bed, with her arms wrapped around my neck.I’m yours, she said, and in that moment I know she meant it.
If she doesn’t want to get married, fine. I don’t care. But I’m not going to let her take a rocket launcher to the one good relationship I’ve ever had. I’m not going to let her blow up this love we’ve nourished together. I’m not going to let her run away.
Not today. Not ever.
I click my tongue, and my dog lifts her head. “C’mon, Bella girl. I’m taking you home. I’ve got somethin’ to do.”
