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“Then do so.”
“Fine. And by the way, that offer isn’t reciprocated,” I spit out. “You call meoneinsult—one—and I’m throwing you out and you can walk home as far as I'm concerned.”
He nods again, but this time his eyes warm as if in mirth before falling into shadow again.
“Go ahead,” he says. “Say what you’ve wanted to say. I want to hear it.”
I lift my chin, my jaw tensing. “Fine. Forcing some to leave a vacation early ‘for their safety’ after you’ve spent the night making—” I reconsider the phrasing seeing as I already know my emotions have run away with me—“having sex, and then dumping them the second you get them home is a dick move by any standards. And then sticking these security guys on me without me even asking? Do you know how dehumanizing that felt? As if I was a problem you could just throw money at but not have to look at…
“And then, we went through something together.That man. And I know you got it much worse than me, but that’s that point. You were injured by him. Because of me. And I wanted to be able to make sure you were healing properly… or something. It would have reassured me. Made me feel less guilty over it.”
“You had nothing to feel guilty about,” he replies resolutely. “Not one thing.”
“Yeah, well, just for your information, millions of year of evolution have taught women to care for men who have gotten hurt protecting them, but I didn’t get that chance. Instead, I spent weeks wondering if you were healing properly.
“The whole thing… it… made my heart hurt. And if you’d have left in a decent way, talked to me for more than three minutes as though I was this thing you couldn’t wait to get away from, I wouldn’t have felt like the ground just ripped open under my feet. I wouldn’t have left angry and frustrated and worried. I’d have… understood. I mean, you told me you didn’t want a relationship. Nor did I, for that matter, if that’s what was freaking you out.”
He stares at me, unmoving, watching over my attempts to hold onto my composure with quiet equanimity… or what seems quiet, for beneath the still outer shell, I see tension in his hands and the clenching of his jaw.
“Dumping me as if you couldn’t get away from me fast enough… it hurt me. It made me ache inside. It made me cry—” I hear my voice quiver as another tear rolls down my cheek. I wipe the salty droplet from my face, trembling a little. “That’s all I have to say.”
My words plunge us into silence as his eyes meet the floor, closing for a moment before opening to find me. “I hate what I did. How I left. I thought I was doing the right thing, to protect you. I was wrong.”
“Protect me? From yourself?”
“You wouldn’t understand, Indigo.”
“Why? Beyond the realm of human comprehension, is it?”
“It’s beyond what I’m capable of explaining. I’m not good for you. But nonetheless, I shouldn’t have left like that. It made everything worse.”
“Fine. Is that all you have to say?”
He takes a step towards me. “No. That’s not all. I…” He inhales thickly. “I… I need to tell you that I've thought about you, Indigo. A lot. In fact, you’ve consumed me since the day I left.”
I shake my head slowly, wondering if he’s trying to torture me. “Why… why would you tell me something like that?”
“Because I need to get it out. I need to getyouout of my system. And I’m no closer to accomplishing that than the day I left.”
“How charming,” I spit out. “Just what every woman wants to hear.”
His face hardens. “You don’t understand what it feels like for a man like me to be out of control of his own fucking life.”
“A man likeyou? No one likes that feeling. Including me! What makes you so special?!”
His body encroaches further, his eyes wide on mine. “No one likes it. But to me… it feels like… something crawling under my skin. Something I can’t get out.”
“You’re saying I’m like bugs crawling under your skin? How charming…”
“I don’t meanyou, Indie. I mean… the absence of you.”
I swallow down my ire, hating how every word he speaks burrows its way under my skin.
“It’s been more painful than I’d anticipated,” he continues. “And I don’t fully understand why. All I know is I can’t keep going like this. I’m… distracted. And irritated. Nothing tastes right anymore.”
“You told me you don’t want a relationship with me.”
“It’s not that I don’t want one. Ican’thave a relationship with you. Not the type you’d need, anyway.”
