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I’m confused. She seems like someone who would be excited to be pregnant. “Plus is good, right?”
“Depends on the person.” Her voice goes soft and her gaze trails from my face to the window, staring out at the city as it goes by. As if without thinking about it, her hand goes to her stomach. “For me, it wasn’t good.”
My chest sinks a bit. Stupid, I know, but it hurts, her not wanting our baby.
She turns back to me, finishing her thought. “It was great. Amazing. A miracle, really.”
“So, you were… happy?”
“Yes. Thrilled. Over the moon.” But her face is so sad. There’s more to this story. “I didn’t tell a soul, I was so, so overjoyed, I just couldn’t believe it was true. I had to see for myself before I shared the news, and of course you would have been first. I went to see Dr. Thompson for an appointment right away. I wanted to use our family doctor. I thought… I thought of you, and that you would want me to go to him.”
“It’s true. Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me.” She waves a shaky hand through the air. “Because it didn’t matter in the end. Any of it.”
“Tell me. What happened?”
“He told me he was going to do an internal ultrasound. Before he started, I had him reassure me twice that he would be able to print out something for me to share with you. He said at this point in the pregnancy the baby would just be a cute little teddy graham, but he would have pics to send home with me.” She folds her hands in her lap. “I had this whole idea of how to tell you. I was going to make a little card, tape the ultrasound picture inside and write, Little Baby Beast. Silly, I know. The two of us barely even know one another…”
Guilt flows over me, hot and cringey. I hunted the poor girl down tonight to tear her secrets from her. “So you were going to tell me?”
“Yes. Right away. My plan was to go to your place and give you the card as soon as I left his office. I kept picturing your face when I told you. I had no idea how you’d react. I mean, I know we didn’t know one another that well”—her face heats— “I mean, other than being intimate, but I wouldn’t hold a secret like that from you. Not for a second. You have the right to know. But Oh. My. Gosh. Can I tell you how nervous I was to tell you? I kept trying to picture your stoic face when you read the note.”
How would I have reacted? I have absolutely no idea. I’ve never been in this position before. When I’d first heard that she was pregnant, I’ll admit, I went numb. Being a father isn’t something I’d ever considered.
I want to know more. “Keep going.”
A little breath shudders through her chest as she steels her nerves to go on. “I just laid there as still as could be, waiting to hear the heartbeat. He said that we would hear it, that there would be this precious little swish-swish noise that would change my life forever. But then, I could tell it was taking longer than it should. The screen was just dark with white circles and patches. I couldn’t tell what I was looking at. Dr. Thompson got this frown on his face, and I could just tell, something was wrong…” Her voice breaks and she has to stop.
“Take your time,” I say, stroking her thigh.
She takes a little breath, gathering her courage. Her eyes meet mine. The rawness of the emotion there is almost too much but I don’t look away. I want to bear this pain with her. She continues, her voice shaky. “He pointed to the screen. There were two little circles, a smaller one inside of a larger one. A yolk and a sac, he said. But no baby.”
Positive pregnancy test but no baby in her belly? “How can that be?”
She shakes her head. “It’s just something that happens. He explained it to me, and then of course, I went home and did hours of Google research over it. It’s called a blighted ovum. The pregnancy forms to the point of creating hormones in your body, the yolk and the sac like I could see on the screen, tricking your body into thinking it’s pregnant. The early embryo stops developing or never develops at all, leaving an empty gestational sac. You have enough hormones in your urine or bloodstream to get a positive pregnancy test, sometimes even enough to feel sick or nauseous, but… there’s just no baby.”
What do I say? Heat creeps up the back of my neck. I’m not good with this kind of stuff, feelings, emotions, babies. But I know she’s hurting. “That must have been…terrible. And to face it alone…”
She nods, looking a bit relieved that I somewhat understand. “It was. I was shocked. And crushed. And I know it’s completely irrational, but I just felt so silly, so humiliated, that I thought I was pregnant when I wasn’t.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I know. Irrational, like I said, still. I just felt so… embarrassed. Especially because I was so excited. I wasn’t in my right mind. I even made him make an appointment to see me the following week. I didn’t want to do anything until I was 100% sure there was no baby. He respected my request. I spent a week pacing the floors of my house, praying for a miracle, but I knew as soon as I stepped into his office I was going to put myself through hell all over again. Sure enough, nothing had changed. I just left more brokenhearted than before.”
I run a hand through my hair. “Jesus, that’s rough. And no one knew what you went through?”
“No.” She bites her lip. “I didn’t want them to. I just felt so sad and… ashamed. Which, again, I knew was crazy, but I couldn’t stop feeling that way.” Her pretty hazel eyes find mine. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I thought about it, you know. Even if there was no baby, I figured you had a right to know there could have been one, if that makes sense, but every time I thought about telling you, I would just start crying and I couldn’t bear the thought of breaking down in front of you.”
She’s tearing up now.
“Don’t cry.” I don’t know what to say. She looks so sad, so broken. She said no one knew except for the doctor. Has she been dealing with this all on her own? “What happened then?”
She shrugs. “He gave me some medicine to help… it… pass. I took it at home, spent a day in agony, then seven more in pajamas, crying on my sofa. My friends knew I was down, but they didn’t know why. They organized this night out to cheer me up, but I’m still under a dark cloud, I guess.” Her voice goes to such a low whisper I barely hear what she says next. “I wanted that baby so very badly.”
Her words make the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. There’s so much emotion in her voice, chills run down my spine. I clear my throat. “Have you been back to the doctor to make sure everything is okay?”
“I had a follow-up scheduled but I couldn’t. He died!” The color drains from her face. “And I got this terrible feeling his death had something to do with me. Silly, I know, but I haven’t had the guts to find a new doctor.”
