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When I woke and Raven was in my room, touching my cheek, her hair a mess of wild waves around her gorgeous face, I wanted my dream to come true so, so badly. I had acted without thinking, which can sometimes be normal for me. My emotions, when they get the best of me, literally make me lose control of rationality, and I’m left dealing with the consequences. Sometimes, even Hunter and Zay have to deal with them.
And this time is no exception. What I did … kissing Raven several times, especially after I told Hunter I wouldn’t, will create some problems.
That kiss, though … I … I can’t even form words, which is not normal for me. The words that live inside my head sometimes feel like the only living part of me. Sometimes they’re even too alive. Right now, though, it’s like they’re lost in a maze filled with daydreams of kisses, and touches and her scent, and fuck, I almost turn around and go back to her. But I can’t. Not until I talk to Hunter.
Last night, I mentioned something to him that I hadn’t really put a lot of thought into, but when I said it, it didn’t bother me, either.
That maybe we both date Raven.
Hunter was wary about it at best and didn’t agree, and I told him I wouldn’t be with her unless he was okay with it. We never reached an agreement, so me kissing Raven means I screwed over Hunter.
And now I have to fix things.
I wish he’d think about it. It’s a complicated idea, and Hunter never agreed to it. I should’ve waited—I told him I would. But I got caught up in the moment, got caught up in her—Ravenlee.
In the end, I will have to put Hunter first if he can’t be okay with this. Because I can’t do that to him. He’s one of my best friends and has been there for me through some really dark times. Zay has, too, and Willow used to. Then she was gone, but now she’s here again.
I don’t give a shit what Zay says about Raven maybe not being her. I can feel it in my damn soul. My broken, withered, silent soul that suddenly sings to life whenever I see Raven.
So, I guess that’s the whole point of my ramblings. I want Raven, my soul does—every part of me does—but if it means crushing Hunter’s soul, I’m going to have to just be friends with her. Friends is better than nothing.
I also worry about Raven, how she’ll feel about all of this, if she wants us, or if she wants me. That worry plagues my mind like a damn virus as I enter the kitchen.
The air smells like bacon and eggs with a hint of something burnt, and the air is laced with traces of smoke. Hunter is sitting at the table with plates of eggs and bacon on it and is scrolling on his phone. Zay is over by the fridge, downing a sports drink.
“Did something burn?” I rearrange the leather bands on my wrist, ensuring my scars are hidden.
Hunter keeps his gaze on the phone. “Yeah, I fucked up the first batch of eggs. In my defense, Raven had me distracted.”
“Oh.” At the mention of her name, I suddenly feel like I have a mild case of heartburn.
Zay eyes me as he twists the cap back onto the sports drink. “That’s weird. I think she had Jax distracted this morning, too.”
Shit. How does he know about that? Is that why he banged on the wall? Because he somehow knew?
Hunter sets the phone down on the table and fixes his attention on me. “She woke you up then?”
“Yeah.” I ignore Zay’s hard stare as I pull out a seat at the table and sit down. My heart is pounding agonizingly in my chest.
Zay continues to stare at me as he strolls over to the table and plucks a piece of toast off one of the plates. He says nothing, but he doesn’t have to. His thoughts are written all over his face.
Are you going to tell him?
If I don’t, would he tell him? It’s hard to say with Zay. Sometimes, he can be an asshole, but he usually has a purpose for it.
“I kissed her,” I sputter like a dumbass. “Again.”
Hunter’s brows rise. “What?”
“I’m sorry.” I lower my head into my hands and sigh. “I was having this dream before she woke me up and … I don’t know … I just feel so connected to her … I know that’s not an excuse. I do. I just … I don’t know …”
The room is silent, the sound of my uneven breaths filling up the space. I’m veering toward a panic attack and am starting to wish that I spent more time with the blade pressed against my flesh this morning.
“It’s fine,” Hunter finally says in a quiet tone.
When I look up at him, he’s staring at the table with a crease between his brows. Zay is standing beside him, his attention bouncing between the two of us.
“You don’t care that I kissed her?” I ask, fiddling with a leather band around my wrist. “Because last night you did.”
