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“You are the only one who ever gets to see my hands shake, love,” I murmur, and she smirks.
“Good, don’t let them see it.” She nods, playing the game as well as we. “And no, I don’t think you will hurt me.”
I blink in astonishment, and she laughs. “You’re not the only one who can read people, asshole.”
I laugh then, and she leans into my hand. “You are not your father. I see that worry. You’re so scared you will become him that you haven’t noticed you aren’t being yourself either. Stop fighting it, that inferno inside. Use it. The anger he made, I have the same kind. We are two different sides of a coin. You tried to bury it, I let it build me. Neither is right or wrong, but I know, Ryder, I know you will never hurt me, not physically. I know it. You might with words, you might try to push me away or pretend you don’t want me for the same reason I do, but no, you will never hurt me.”
“How do you know?” I question, truly wondering. I don’t even know myself. Doesn’t my control, my need for her utter submission, mean one day I might take it too far and hurt her?
“Because we have both seen what that does to people, and the idea of doing it to someone else would never cross our minds. Plus, I would never let you. I might not be as strong as you guys or have the money, but I’m a fighter like you said. Survived that way. You will never hurt me because I will never let you. I would kill you, kick your fucking asses if you tried. Diesel might cut my skin or fill me with pain, but it’s my choice. I want that, and I refuse to be ashamed by it. But I always want Kenzo’s smile and soft teasing…and your ice and fire.”
“And Garrett?” I have to ask. She’s right, she’s too strong, not like my mother, she would never let us hurt her. She would kill us first. That thought settles me, and I actually sink into her and relax.
“I want him too,” she admits. “I even told him that, but we’re taking it slow. I won’t ask what happened again. He’ll tell me when he’s ready, and I hope one day, we can work through it.”
“That sounds like the words of someone who plans on staying,” I tease, and she sighs.
“Do I have a choice?” She winks, but I sense real truth in those words, and it makes me harden.
Does she?
Would I—we, let her go, even if she didn’t come back? What I told her was true, she started as a deal, one we planned to use and dispose of. But she’s here now, in us, one of us…but how can she truly be one of us if it isn’t her choice? We all chose this life…but she was forced into it.
The very same way that I was by my father.
“Ryder,” she starts, and I wait, but she bites her lip, probably realising the same thing—there is nothing she can say that wouldn’t be a lie. Yes, she wants us, but how much? Is it because she’s making the most of a bad situation, or does she actually want us?
“I better get back to work,” I murmur, before leaning down and kissing her softly, wishing I knew. I pull away and turn, feeling her staring after me, and I stop at the door. “Your birthday is May seventh, you were born at eight fifty-five am,” I offer, and she sucks in a breath.
“Thank you, Ryder.”
I nod and leave, unable to stay any longer, my thoughts spiralling with worry. I need to speak to my brothers. We have a choice to make. We can keep her, force her to stay, and she might not even hate us for it. But she will never love us, not like we want. How can you love someone who takes away your freedom?
I don’t know, but I also don’t know if we could let her walk away now. Not just because of what she saw and knows, but because the others are attached.
I’m attached.
* * *
In the afternoon,I lose myself in work, trying to avoid the questions swirling around my head, until Garrett rings me. Picking up the phone, I hit the green button and lean back in my chair.
“Speak.”
“Well, we have cleared the city. The only people who will be taking the bounty are out of towners or people hired directly by the Triad,” Garrett rumbles into the phone.
“Good, did we figure out anything about the leak?” I inquire, and Diesel snorts.
“He won’t let me play with them,” he whines, making me grin.
“We’re going to head out again tomorrow and get back on it. We cleared a few names. Simply threatening their families and their lives was enough, they didn’t betray us.”
“But someone did,” I snap, and then sigh, drumming my fingers on the table as I think. “It has to be someone who worked here, they wouldn’t know anything otherwise, keep looking.”
“Sure,” Garrett grunts, and then it goes quiet, but he doesn’t hang up. My eyebrow arches in surprise, Garrett isn’t usually chatty.
“What’s up?” I ask, and I hear rumbling down the phone before he sighs loudly.
“Diesel would like to know if…if Roxy is okay?” he queries, sounding pained. I smile, but manage to hold back my laugh. I’m betting it’s more than just Diesel, but I’ll let him use D as an excuse.
