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“I know.” She sighs and looks away. “And then what? What happens when you get selected as the first pick, like we both know you’re going to be? Are you still going to stay late after practice and watch game tape every night and wake up early for extra weight sessions? Youwill. We both know you will.”
“Auden…” I don’t know what to say.
I can’t give up hockey.
I can’t lose her.
“It’s fine. You told me from the start.” She lets out a small, sad laugh, then repeats the words, “You told me.”
“The draft is next summer. This is just theworsttime for…this.”
“Right.” She scoffs. “Am I—” Her voice catches. “Am I just supposed to wait?”
“I never asked you to wait.”
“Yeah, well…you didn’t have to. It’s all I’ve done, Eli.”
“I want this. You.”
“Just not enough, huh?”
“That’s not fair.”
“You didn’t evenlookat schools in California. You’re really upset I didn’t consider Boston?”
“You had more options than I did. You know that. The coaches, programs, offers—I had to consider all of that.”
“So you’re saying your future is more important than mine?”
“No.Stop putting words into my mouth!”
“Fine.” She tries to move, but I don’t loosen my grip on her arm. “Denny.” I search her face.
There’s moisture pooling in her eyes, and it makes my stomach lurch like I’m on a rollercoaster. “Fuck.I can’t stop fucking this up.”
“It’s not your fault. I…I knew exactly what this was, and I pushed for more. Because I wanted it. I got it—I can move on.” One tear escapes, sliding a trail down her left cheek. I swipe it away with my thumb.
“I wanted it too, Denny. Iwantit. But I’m going to school in Boston. You’ll be in California. I don’t know how to…I don’t know how to play hockey any other way than I how play it.”
“What’s it given you?”
“Huh?”
“Hockey. You spend all this time playing it: training, watching film, lifting weights, practicing.Yougive it your all. What doesitgiveyou?”
I blink. “I love playing. The thrill. The excitement. Winning.”
“More than you love anything else?”
I look away. There was a time when I knew the answer to that question and could have replied instantly. I’m not sure the answer is yes, but I’m not sure it’s no, either.
“I’m leaving.” She turns and unlocks the door, then pulls it open. Noise enters the room as she leaves it…leaves me standing here.
She’s said those words to me before.
They sound different—more final—than before, and itterrifiesme.
Elliot
