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“Does she know you feel about her?” Another pause.
This time, I don’t respond right away.Does she?I’ve mainly been focused on the complications of a relationship, on making certain I don’t act like that’s something I’m equipped to enter. I mean, yeah, we’ve had sex, but people our age don’t necessarily equate that with anything serious. People not our age, too. I know guys who have been with more than one girl on the same night. I don’t think casual sex is a novelty in LA, either. She said sex with me would mean something to her. I didn’t say sex with her would mean anything to me, not because I was trying to play it cool or distant, but because I was fucking overwhelmed by the fact that her clothes were suddenly disappearing.
“I don’t know,” I finally reply, honestly.
Luke rolls his eyes. “Well, that’s probably a good place to start. Give her all the facts, then let her decide. You already make time to talk to her all the time—is that any different from being in a long-distance relationship? Unless you want to be able to hook up with other girls?”
“No,” I reply. “I don’t. That was the whole reason…”
“For your fake dating setup?” Luke laughs. Yeah, Josh didn’t take long to spill the beans on that to Luke and Oliver after Auden left last summer. I endured no end of ribbing from the guys and the general consensus was that I was an idiot, but I also think they all realized what I didn’t—I asked Auden to fake date me because I want to date her for real; maybe as much as I want to play hockey professionally and smash every record my father ever set.
“What are you guys doing over here?” Ava saunters toward us, dropping down on the arm of Luke’s chair.
“Just chilling,” he replies casually, slinging an arm around her waist and running his hand along her thigh.
Ava smirks at him. “Want to go for a walk?”
“How much physical exertion are we talking? Last time you asked me that, there wasn’t much cardio involved.”
I roll my eyes. How he gets laid as much as he seems to, I’ll never understand.
“I already went skating with Reid this morning.”
At the reminder that I’m here, Ava glances over at me. “Already practicing, Elliot?”
“Never really stop,” I reply. My tone isn’t unfriendly, but it’s not welcoming, either. It sends a clear message: nothing is happening here.
Ava turns back to Luke. “I’ll take it easy on you, Lukey.”
Lukey?I mouth.
He flips me off. “Don’t want that either,” he replies, standing. “We good, Reid?”
“Yeah. Gowalk.”
He grins before taking off with Ava. I stand and stretch, then head inside. For once, we’re not at Josh’s place. Cassie is hosting tonight, which means the kitchen counter is spread with all sorts of fancy alcohol I can’t even pronounce. I study it for a minute, then decide against drinking. Instead, I head for the front door. Right now, I just want to be alone.
I don’t get very far, though.
“Elliot!” I turn to see Cassie herself walking toward me. She’s wearing a plastic princess crown and a sash that saysBirthday Girl. Belatedly, I realize that’s why she’s hosting tonight.
“Hey. Happy Birthday,” I say when she reaches me.
“Thanks,” she replies, twisting a piece of hair around one finger. The dress she’s wearing is short and tight and doesn’t leave a whole lot to the imagination, but I wasn’t lying earlier. If her name isn’t Auden, I have no interest. She’s the person I wanted to figure sex out with. She’s still the only person I want touching me that way; the person I want to touch.
“I’ve got to head out. Enjoy your party.” I go to move, but she slides to the left, blocking me again.
“You haven’t given me a present.” She glances meaningfully at my crotch, then lifts her eyes back to my face. They’re glassy—not that she needs to have any alcohol in her system to come on to me. It’s definitely happened sober, but her inebriation is going to make this a more difficult situation to get out of. “Or I’ll give you one.”
Before Auden, I didn’t let sex with girls go past oral. For lots of reasons, one being that it seemed less meaningful—a theory Auden sucking me off last summer immediately debunked. As the result of an accidental pregnancy, I’m also terrified of knocking a girl up. A few minutes of physical gratification aren’t worth more than my future. The responsibility of having a child is something I’m in no way prepared for. I would resent the hell out of a kid for pushing my dreams out of reach—as if it would be his or her fault I couldn’t keep it in my pants—and probably gain sympathy for my father that he doesn’t deserve.
It bothers me that she’s willing to take whatever scrap I’m willing to give her. It worries me that Auden might do the same, that if I tell her how I feel, she’ll sacrifice what she really wants to take the small stretches of time and attention I can give, choosing that over a guy at Stanford with all the time in the world. Or more than me, at least.
“Listen, Cassie.” I sigh. “It’s not going to happen between us. Nothing is going to happen between us again. Not tonight, not ever.”
“You’ve said that before.”
Have I?I guess a onetime thing turned into a several-time thing, but I’ve definitely never told her what I’m about to say now. “I’m leaving for Boston soon. And…I’m in love with Auden Harmon. I’m not going to hook up with anyone else while I feel that way about her.”
