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Then why do I feel so…heartbroken? God, I sound like a fucking Hallmark movie. But it’s true. He’s torn my heart to shreds and now he’s just going to walk away.
“Yeah,” I say, fighting back the tears. “Whatever.”
And then I turn and walk toward the Exeter House entrance. As I approach the large double doors, I hear the car door slam shut and the town car take off down the street.
Inside, the penthouse is dark, and a feeling of emptiness washes over me. Tossing my clutch into a chair, I kick my heels off and leave them in the living room, then head into one of the guest bedrooms.
I turn on the light and slither out of my gown, removing the metric ton of underwear, before falling into bed—stark naked and exhausted. And then I do something I swore to myself I’d never do. I curl up and cry.
Chapter 32
Off Balance
The following days pass in a tear-induced blur. My chest hurts, my head hurts. Everything hurts, and all I can think about is Kohl. I fluctuate between hating him and loving him. Between wanting to bite his dick off with my teeth, to praying he’ll show up at my door on bended knee to apologize and profess his love for me.
I’m a fucking mess.
The day after the gala, I moved out of Hill House, leaving everything he’d ever given me behind—the necklace, the gown, the underwear, everything. If I’d had more energy, I might have burned it all. Maybe it would have given me some semblance of closure. Instead, I begin to throw myself into my graduate work. I have experiments running in the lab and papers that need to be written—plenty of things to keep my mind busy. And yet…every other thought is of Kohl. Enigmatic, fucked-up Kohl.
Nearly a month after he dropped me at Exeter House with his cold declaration that we were terminated, I’m staring at a full bowl of milk and Cheerios when Sam walks into the kitchen. It’s nice to be back in a house full of women again. At Hill House, unless Kohl was there with me, I was completely alone.
“Hey, Mads. Ready to head over to the lab?”
I push the bowl of cereal away. “Um, yeah. Let me just grab my bag.”
“Aren’t you going to eat your cereal?”
“I’m not hungry, actually.”
I haven’t eaten in days, really. I poured the bowl of cereal with the intention of forcing it down, but I just can’t. I’ll grab something at the cafeteria later. Maybe.
As we head out the door, Sam turns to me, stopping me on the sidewalk. “Mads, uh, there’s something I need to tell you.”
It’s the way her eyes dart away from me that makes my stomach lurch. “What?” I choke.
“It’s, um, about Kohl.”
I shake my head. Whatever it is, I don’t want to hear it. “Sam, no—”
“He’s interviewing for a new mistress,” she blurts out. “My cousin told me last night. I know it must come as a shock, but I felt like you had a right to know.”
Shock doesn’t even come close to what I’m feeling. Anger, betrayal, sadness, it all swirls inside me like a violent storm. In my mind’s eye, I can see that line from months ago—models and hopeful actresses waiting outside his hotel room, all competing for the position of his mistress. My stomach wrenches into a twist.
Fuck him.
Fuck the damn models.
It’s not my problem anymore, right?
Kohl and I were doomed from the beginning, from the moment I stumbled into his hotel room and saw his beautiful face. From the moment he first kissed me in the garden. If only I’d known how hard I would fall for him. If only I’d had the strength to stay away…
Maybe that’s what his fiancée thought too, before she killed herself.
“Mads, are you okay?”
I swallow and nod. “Yeah, I’m just…thrown a little off balance, that’s all. I’m fine.” I force a smile. “Really.”
“He’s a fucking asshole.”
